The Five Best Things About Weddings (and some links)

I’m getting old. I went to a wedding in Florida this weekend and the bride and groom looked like kids to me. When time came for me to congratulate them, I think I said something like, “You two whippersnappers make a beautiful couple. Do you mind if my wife takes a picture of us with her Polaroid Instamatic?”

I do enjoy a good wedding. Here are the five best things about weddings.

1. Getting dressed up. I complain and complain about putting on a suit.   Then I get dressed and something happens. I feel like James Bond. I start using big words that don’t really apply to the situation. I start tipping everyone. I start using Rat Pack terms. You know what I mean? No? Here’s an example. We go to Hallmark to get a card. I’m like “Hey kid, where do they keep the Shoebox cards? Those things are inscrutable. Here, take these Washington’s, have lunch on me. I like the cut of your jib.”
2. Hanging out with friends. It doesn’t matter if they’re new friends or old ones. Everyone is a captive audience for the duration of the ceremony and reception. If you don’t have fun it’s your own fault. So, sit, shoot the breeze, and make fun of the table that is too embarrassed to get up and dance.
3. Dancing. I never in a million years thought that I would say that. I enjoy the dancing. I still don’t know how to dance, but if I make it through a three-minute song and stay on beat, I feel like I accomplished something. The key to dancing is realizing that half of the room is drunk. They aren’t really paying attention to you. They’re just trying not to fall over. Someday when they start handing out participation trophies at weddings (which they inevitably will) I will proudly stand on stage with my Capri Sun and orange wedges and accept mine. I will have a speech prepared. “First and foremost, I would like to thank all of the people who are more uncoordinated than me. You have made this moment possible.”
4. Being reminded of your own wedding. I have been married for fifteen years. My wedding isn’t something that I think about all that often anymore. When I sit there and watch two people commit to each other, whether it’s for love, financial reasons (you know who you are, you gold diggers), or shotgun (pregnancy) reasons, I get reminded of my wedding. I remember how young we were and how pretty my wife looked and how they played Bon Jovi at our reception.
5. The free food. That’s pretty self-explanatory. I love food. From the appetizers to the cake. Bring it on.

I’m starting to run out of friends who are the marrying age. Time to hang out with some younger people. I might look like the creepy older guy, but I’m really just here for the wedding invite.

LINKS

• October 18 is Alaska Day.  Celebrate Seward’s Folly by checking out Alaska’s tourism site.
• Jane Fonda just revealed that she went skinny dipping with Michael Jackson.  I’m sorry, but that sounds like the worst celebrity skinny dipping party ever.
• There was a shooting at Zombie Con down in Florida this weekend.  That’s awful, but you guys were kind of asking for it.
• The upcoming season of Downton Abbey will be the last.  Here is the first preview trailer.