Now for the final chapter in the Stranger Danger For Adults series. Just to refresh, this is a list of people that we as adults should avoid if we wish to have peaceful days with limited frustration. We are always telling our kids who to avoid. Guys in windowless vans. People offering candy on days other than Halloween. British TV hosts. People who can’t find their dogs. Subway spokespeople. But no one has put out a list of people for adults to avoid. UNTIL NOW. You can search through my poorly organized blog history to find the previous three editions. As a trilogy, they are better than the Star Wars prequels. Here we go!
- Guys who dress better than their wives. Dude. C’mon. Part of your job as a husband is to not outshine your wife. When you stand next to each other, people should say, “How did he get her to marry him?” Any time I look well put together, it’s because my wife has dressed me. Guys who are always pretty will– A: Never help you move. And. B: Possibly try to pick up YOUR wife.
- People who insist on introducing you to obscure musical acts. Example: “Bro, I just heard this new band from Des Moines. The Starchy Root Vegetables. They are great. Real musician’s musicians. They are far superior to whatever you are listening to.” Back off. If they are any good, I’ll hear of them from someone other than you,,, like the radio.
- People who have never seen the original Point Break. I have one thing on my Christmas list. This shirt. Don’t let me down people.
Merry Christmas to me.
- People who don’t like roller coasters. You get all psyched to go to the amusement park with your friends, and when you get there, that one person makes everyone else feel guilty by refusing to get in line for the roller coasters. At that point, you either say, “Okay, lets all go ride the carousel. That way we can keep the group together.” OR. You can be like Marc. “What time should we meet you in the parking lot?”
- People who wait in line for days at the apple store to replace their fully-functional, 9-month old iPhone. No one has been able to explain to me how getting a new phone two weeks before everyone else has made their lives super fantastic. Unless people are using the line as a way to meet people. If so, that might be kind of genius. It’s not like the other person is going to get out of line. They are obviously as much of a techie as you are. You have like forty eight hours to convince them to go on a date with you. Good luck finding your future spouse.
- People who cut the line at Chipotle. This is a serious breach of etiquette. I don’t think that people realize how dangerous getting between me and a burrito is. I am willing to wait my turn in line, but if someone cuts in front of me, it may lead to odd newspaper headlines. “Man Bitten in Bizarre Food Rage Incident.“
- People who pay with checks at the grocery store. (Sorry mom and dad.)
- Clowns. I can’t emphasize this enough.
LINKS
- The lady who was the face of the original Gerber baby just turned 89.
- Everyone worried about ISIS can rest easy. The mafia has offered to help protect New York.
- I have a film recommendation. Exit Though The Gift Shop. For a movie about street art, it goes places you’d never expect.
- A firefighter in Mississippi received a face transplant. It’s crazy.
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