The 5 People You Meet At The Grocery Store

Mitch Albom wrote a book called The Five People You Meet In Heaven.  I admit, I haven’t read it.  By all accounts it’s a good read.  (4 Stars on Amazon out of almost 3000 reviews)  It sounded like a great idea for a column, but A, it’s already been done.  And B, I couldn’t come up with five people.  Thinking long and hard, I could only come up with my grandparents and Roberto Clemente.  No one else quite measured up.

So here’s what I ended up with instead.  I give you,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

———– The Five People You Meet at the Grocery Store ———–

1. The ON A MISSION Shopper–  These people whip through the store at reckless speeds, their shopping carts on only two wheels when they round the corners.  Stopping to check the price of items is not a necessity.  In fact, stopping at any time during the shopping experience would be considered a failure.  They fly down the isles, grabbing things off the shelves while people dive out of the way.  They don’t always hit senior citizens in the achilles with the front of their cart, but when they do, they don’t even notice.
2. The I READ EVERY LABEL shopper–  This may hit a little close to home for my wife.  They stand there reading nutrition facts and descriptions of every item like they’re the most fascinating text in the world.  It should never take thirty minutes to get through the refrigerated section.  I am convinced someday I will see a headline in the paper about someone who inadvertently froze to death in the supermarket while trying to decide what kind of Eggos to buy.  At the end of your life when you tally up the numbers, the percentage of it spent in the grocery store should not be in double digits.
3. The I JUST CAME FROM THE GYM shopper–  I have a lot of these in my area.  I’m not really clear on the mindset of these people, so I’m just going to guess.  This is what I imagine going through their heads.  So glad it was leg-day today.  I hope that people are staring at my glutes while I try to decide what organic produce would best compliment the organic quinoa that I’m going to have for lunch.  Seriously, my glutes look great in these spandex pants,,,,,,,,,,,,,  I really just want ice cream, but NO, THAT’S FOR THE WEAK.
4. The BLOCKADE shopper–  Otherwise known as the I’m the only person in the world shopper.  This kind of shopper either stops in the middle of the isle to stare at different kinds of soup, or leaves their cart in the middle of the isle while they stare at different kinds of soup.  Why soup?  Mainly because I don’t really like it all that much, so that’s what I picture these inconsiderate folks buying.  There seem to be more of these people at Costco than anywhere else on the entire planet.  They take their oversized shopping carts and leave them sideways in the middle of the oversized isle while deciding which oversized can of New England clam chowder to buy.
5. The I’M JUST TRYING TO SURVIVE shopper–  Most of these people are accompanied by children.  I am intimately aware of the trials and tribulations of this kind of shopper.  You’ll hear them coming before you see them.  Then they round the corner.  One kid is contained in the cart seat while the other one runs in front grabbing things off the shelves and bringing them back to the cart.  The things they bring back are inevitably items the parent has never even considered purchasing.  It’s kind of like when a cat brings a dead chipmunk to the doorstep and they stand there looking all proud of themselves.  The parent has to tell them to put it back where they got it.  But the overly-eager kid knocks over the soup can display in the process, and in a winning turn of events trips the Blockade Shopper.  Score!