Things I Learned While Beating The Coronavirus.

Yes. It is true. I have vanquished the dreaded coronavirus. If we’re being honest here, it never had a chance.

I would blame my wife for bringing it into our house, but that could be more dangerous to me than the actual virus, so I’m just going to say that I’m not sure where I got it. For four days my body ached, my chest felt like an elephant was sitting on it (not a large elephant, a small, cute elephant), and I suffered from more general malaise than normal. Then, right before Thanksgiving, the worst happened. I lost my senses of smell and taste. Normally I wouldn’t have complained about losing my sense of taste for Thanksgiving. My feelings on the spice quality of Thanksgiving food have been well documented. It is the worst food holiday. I much prefer Cinco De Mayo. But this year we were moving away from traditional “bland Colonial food” as my son calls it. Our menu included eggplant parmesan, spanakopita, pasta, and homemade jamaica juice. I could taste none of it. Don’t get me wrong, I still ate too much. I just chewed and imagined how good it was.

Three days later all of my symptoms except for loss of taste and smell are gone. You’re probably asking yourself, “How did this guy beat the dreaded virus?” Don’t worry, I’m going to tell you. I must preface this advice by telling you that I am not a doctor, so take it with a grain of salt. I am, however really good at Googling things and as a result I have beaten self diagnosed tuberculosis three times. Anyway. Here is my homeopathic prescription to beat the coronavirus. First, order a pizza topped with hot peppers. This pizza must be ordered from a local pizzeria with an Italian name like Guisseppe’s or Geno’s or Enzo’s. Chain pizzerias are much less effective. It is a scientific fact that viruses hate spicy food. Really. I Googled it. Second, I prescribe one bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. This way you will be attacking the virus with one naturally spicy food and one completely unnatural spicy food. Third, you have to watch Rambo First Blood and First Blood Part 2 back to back, preferably finishing the second one sometime after 1 in the morning. These tasks have to be completed in this order. By no means should you involve essential oils. That stuff doesn’t work, and you won’t be able to smell it anyway.

There you have it. A firsthand account of my battle with the dreaded virus, and how I beat it. Knowledge is power.