Me. Photo credit- My patient wife.
I am a Pittsburgh sports fan. This is a birthright that has been handed down to my kids. I have pictures of both of them when they were newborns and still in the hospital, wrapped in Terrible Towels. Once in a while I remind them, “Remember kids, you are American by birth, and Pittsburgh sports fans by the grace of God.” Since 2005 we have been lucky enough to witness four major sports championships. Each championship is followed by the obligatory parade. I’ve attended two. The Steelers 2009 parade, and the one for the Penguins this past week. I dragged my two bestest buddies along with me to the Penguins parade. (My 6 and 11 year old boys.) Now that I have some experience with these events, I’ve decided to put together a helpful list of some things you can expect when going to a victory parade.
Police- There will be a heavy police presence. Some of them you’ll see. Some of them you won’t. That’s right, there’ll be undercover cops, just like 21 Jump Street,,,,,,, except it’s not a high school, their headquarters most likely won’t be an abandoned church, and Johnny Depp will be too busy smacking Amber Heard around to show up. (ALLEGEDLY) I appreciate the heightened presence. At this most recent parade I was a first hand witness to lots of police activity.
1. I saw an officer pick up litter in the street.
2. I saw an officer drop litter in the street. He was trying to be slick, but I saw it. After a quick contemplation of hopping the barrier and performing a citizen’s arrest, I decided to let it slide.
3. An officer helped a woman cross the street.
4. Two officers put the stop to a grimy looking guy with an open container of alcohol.
5. The aforementioned undercover officers busted an unlicensed guy selling pennants. Thank goodness we didn’t have to be exposed to the horror of unlicensed pennants.
An overall good job by Pittsburgh’s finest.
Drunk People- Most of the drunk people will be watching the parade. Some of the drunk people will be in the parade. If you are taking your kids, I recommend not standing too close to the end of the route. Some of the people at the end of the route will have been there since early in the morning, maybe the night before. They will most likely have been drinking since sometime before that. Lets follow a simple logic train. 1- A person drinks a lot. 2- That person stands in one place for hours. 3- Eventually a crowd forms behind that person, and they can’t leave their spot. 4- That person must relieve him or herself desperately. 5- Oh no, I think the person behind me is peeing into a beer can (True Story). Glad my kids weren’t there for that one. Just pick a place somewhere in the middle of the parade route. The drunks will be better behaved there.
Some players and their ride. Photo credit- Me.
The Mayor- Yes, the mayor of the city will definitely show up. Why? Who knows. I just assume it’s because politicians are miserable attention hogs.
Players With Cameras- This is one of the rare events in sports where the players are taking pictures of fans who are taking pictures of them. It’s a little weird if we’re gonna be honest. I totally get it though. For both the players and the fans, this is something that doesn’t happen very often. It’s something everyone wants to remember. I kind of get a kick out of the fact that my kids and I are on Phil Kessel’s parade video. Someday he’ll power up his computer at home and watch his footage to relive the experience, while at the same time, many miles away, I will be saying to my wife for the 75th time, “Hey honey look at this great shot of Kessel taking a video.”
The Trophy- Some player, usually the team captain, will be in the last parade car holding the championship trophy. It’s cool. It’s really cool. I have to say that of all the trophies in sports, the Stanley Cup is the coolest. If you’re lucky, one of the players will bring it close enough for you to touch.
Evgeni Malkin and the Stanley Cup. Photo credit- Me.
Impromptu Speeches- At the end of the parade route many of the players will go up to the microphone on the stage and say a few words of appreciation for the fans and their teammates. I can promise you that none of these speeches will be eloquent. Some of them may be downright indecipherable.
In summary. Sports victory parades are unique experiences. They are slightly disorganized, exciting, and unpredictable (your favorite player may just jump into the crowd right next to you). If your team ever wins a championship, I recommend taking the day off and celebrating it with three or four hundred thousand of your closest friends. Years later when you watch the commemorative video of that championship, you can tell your kids, “I was at the parade. Troy Polamalu jumped into the crowd right next to me. I grabbed his leg. Oh yeah. And there were two guys standing right behind me peeing in beer cans.” Then you can drag them to the next one.
I’ve viewed one sports parade, in Cooperstown, New York, where they have an annual retired all-stars baseball game. It was a fascinating experience. This particular parade was family friendly (no alcohol) and it’s too bad that my son was already a teenager. When the late Bob Feller passed us in a car, it was a highlight of my life.
That’s really cool. It’s a unique experience. It gives people an opportunity to see the players in a different atmosphere.