In our time on this earth we’ve all had to deal with a lot of nonsense. State run Motor Vehicle Departments, bags of potato chips that come only one third full, tiny rocks that somehow get into our shoes, people who put those really bright blue headlights in their cars. I could go on and on. Ask my wife. In the interest of time and keeping your attention, here is my personal top three.
- Putting in contacts. I almost lost my mind the first time I tried to put contacts in. For decades I trained myself to not let things touch my eyeballs. Then in one afternoon, I had to teach myself to ignore that training. The contacts stuck to everything but my eye. My finger, my eyelashes, the sink when I dropped them. Every time I thought I had it, I didn’t. According to my family I was ranting and raving like a lunatic. I could hear them laughing at me two rooms away where they felt safe.
- Pepper stems. The large convenience store chain in my area has decided that they want to prepare all kinds of food for their customers. In fact, they now have a more extensive menu than most diners in my area. I was in there several weeks ago and I swear I heard someone order foie gras. The problem with this is that I’ve always maintained that if your menu is too large it just means that you make a lot of food, not that you make a lot of food well. I knew that this particular chain was going to have problems because back in the day when they mostly made sandwiches, they couldn’t even get that right. Every time I ordered a sandwich it came with at least one pepper stem in it. EVERY. FREAKING. TIME. If you can’t put enough love in a sandwich to remove the pepper stems, I really don’t want you making foie gras.
- That liquid in the ketchup bottle. Look. When I reach for the ketchup bottle it probably means I’m already pretty excited. There is probably a plate in front of me that contains french fries or onion rings, maybe a hot dog or a burger. I don’t have the time to clear the ketchup chamber of some mystery liquid before I eat. Some people are probably saying to themselves, “He could just store that ketchup upside down. The bottle is kind of designed for that.” NO! I don’t want to have to put that kind of thought into my ketchup. I just want it to be there at the ready when I need the perfect compliment to my waffle fries.
It was really good to get all of this off my chest. I feel a little better. That will last until I have to pick another pepper stem out of my sandwich after having to eat soggy onion rings which will frustrate me so much I’ll forget to wash my hands before putting my contacts in with pepper fingers. What a day that’s going to be.
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