LONGWALKABOUT

Everyone has seen the Game of Thrones memes.  Brace yourselves, (insert something here) is coming.  Well,,,,, Brace yourselves, toy catalogs are coming.  It’s that magical time of year that leads up to Christmas.  The time of year where we spend two whole months shopping so on Christmas morning we can all stand around and sanctimoniously say, “Remember the reason for the season……… Now rip open those gifts.”

Wow, that sounded grumpy.  Sorry.  I love Christmas.  I love capitalism.  I love watching my kids open gifts.  But if I have to find a place to put one more toy that gets played with one time a year, I swear I’m going to build a giant slingshot and see how far I can launch everything into the Delaware River.  Extra points if I can hit a tug boat.

We started Christmas shopping in earnest last night.  The start of our shopping this year coincides with a major purge of stuff from the house.  The result of the merging of these two things?  My kids are getting nothing useless for Christmas.  Boundaries have been set.  Each gift must fall into one or more of four criteria.

1. It’s educational.
2. It’s a book.
3. It’s something that enables you to have an experience.
4. LEGOS

Legos are a category on their own.  Expensive, yes.  But they’re creative, and if we ever have a Home Alone situation, I’m sure the kids will find some way to use them that will severely injure Joe Pesci and his sidekick.

Throughout life, we accumulate things.  One day we all stop,  look around, and say, “There is a whole room of my house that I don’t use because it’s full of,,,,,,,,, I’m not sure what it’s full of.”  At my home I try to walk into that room to sort through things, and I step on a Lego.  Down I go covered in an avalanche of lonely stuffed animals, matchbox cars, and a fully functioning light up Batmobile.  While I wait for my wife to come and dig me out I have plenty of time to think, because she finds it hilarious that I am buried in stuff that she’s been wanting to get rid of.  She’s going to leave me there for a while.  I come to the conclusion that instead of having rooms full of stuff, I’d rather have a head full of memories from awesome experiences.

Stuff ends up owning us.  It all depreciates in value.  (Sorry guys, all those Lord of the Rings figurines aren’t worth what you think they are.)  Experiences always appreciate.  Knowledge always appreciates.  They help us grow as people and they expand our world.

This holiday season, I’m going to try to start teaching my kids this lesson, so when they get older, they’ll know the value of experiences and memories vs things.  That’s the best Christmas gift I can give them.  That,,,,, and a true recognition of the Reason for the Season.  

LINKS

• Some people you just can’t please.  Here are the funniest Tripadvisor complaints about National Parks.
• This houseboat looks like my future home.
• On this day in 1950, USAF Lt. Russell Brown became the first pilot to shoot down another plane in a jet aircraft vs. jet aircraft dogfight.
• Interesting article about how having Howard Stern as a dad affected one of his daughters.

I’m an introverted person.  I tend to avoid social gatherings.  Recently I ran across a meme on the net that said, “My favorite party trick is not going.”  I thought it was a funny, accurate description of me.  My wife thought it was accurate,,,,, just accurate.  For her sake, I have been putting a lot of effort into being more social.  Now when she tells me we’re going out, I say, “Great.”  Then we go out, and this is how I see the evening.

7:00 PM-  We arrive at the gathering.  Handshakes.  I’m good with handshakes.  Uh oh.  We’ve got a hugger.  I exchange an awkward hug with the other person, and then for approximately the next three minutes, I wonder to myself if the other person found the hug as awkward as I did.  Because I’m thinking about that, I give a totally bizarre answer to a normal question that someone has asked.  Them-“How is your dog?”  Me-“He’s doing great.  He’s getting really good grades this year.”  Awesome, now I can move on from thinking about the awkward hug and start thinking about this fine exchange.

7:15 PM-  I start to look for refreshments.  I know that I’m going to be talking to a lot of people, and my hands are going to need something to hold, or they are going to needlessly get involved in the conversation.  If I have a cup, it gives them a mission.  Also, when one of those weird silences comes, I can always take a drink, or if my cup is empty, I can pretend to take a drink.

7:45 PM-  I am standing off to the side, marveling at my wife as she carries on talking to people that she just met.  Of the two of us, she has always been the outgoing one.  That was great for me.  We used to sit together in the back of our high school algebra class.  Me with my mullet and baseball cap, looking uninterested and, in general, not happy to be there. (Believe it or not, I haven’t always been the ladies man that you see today.)  She could have just ignored me, but instead, my pretty, outgoing wife thought it would be fun to badger the quiet guy in the back of the class with questions until he came out of his shell.  So, I came out of my shell and convinced her to marry me.  Be careful what you ask for.

8:15 PM-  I know that there is a baseball game on.  I try to find a spot where my wife can’t see me check my phone for the score.  If she sees me, I’ll be sure to get a disapproving look.  Then later, in the car, I’ll get the lecture that goes along with the look.  I have been informed that this is impolite.

8:30 PM-  I spot friends of ours.  I take my cup over and start talking to them.  Now I’m comfortable.  I can handle this.  Some  strangers join our group and I think to myself that I might not even look socially weird to them.

9:30 PM-  I am finally fully comfortable.

9:45  PM-  Time to go home.  In the car I tell my wife how exhausted I am.  She rolls her eyes, pats me on the shoulder, and tells me I did pretty good.

As you can see I am the life of the party, and if you ever see me in the corner with my phone at a get together I’m probably still wondering if you thought that initial hug was as weird as I did.

 

1. My wife is the best music critic I know.  Not because she breaks songs down with technical criticisms, but because music that she doesn’t like actually makes her angry.  Wanna hear a twenty minute diatribe?  Put on the first five seconds of Jimmy Buffett’s, A Pirate Looks At Forty.  “Mother, mother ocean.”  Then it starts.  “That line ruins the whole song.  I can’t stand that nonsense.”  I love it.  Makes me laugh every time.
2. I saw a commercial that told me that I can now order from Dominos via Twitter.  This doesn’t seem like a great idea.  Of all the things I have ever thought about tweeting at Dominos, an order wasn’t one of them.  It will probably make prank ordering much less of a hassle though.
3. Halloween has come and gone.  How much did my family spend on costumes?  Zero dollars.  We said, “Kids what do you want to be for Halloween?  We suggest you wear the same thing as last year.”  They fell for it.  It was funny because my ten year old’s costume legs ended halfway up his ankles.  It looked like Boba Fett had a horrible tailor.  Next year we may put a little more effort in.  My plan is to grow a mustache and put on a Hawaiian shirt, tuck it into my jeans, and go as Magnum P.I.  I want to dress my six year old up as Higgins. My ten year old can be Rick.  And my wife can be the mysterious Robin Masters.
4. If you have ever paid for a ringtone, you have forfeited your right to complain about anything.  We could be hanging out and you might start complaining about the price of gas, and I’ll just stop you right there.  “Zip it.  No complaining.  Remember, you paid money so you could hear the Milkshake song every time your wife called you.  I don’t want to hear any First World whining.”
5. I think that if we ever do invent a time machine, the first thing we should do is send anti-vaccine people back to the middle ages.  That way they can enjoy the smallpox, diphtheria, yellow fever, and typhoid.  At least they’ll be able to get quality equestrian instruction.  That way, IF we decide to bring them back to the present, they can all get jobs at Medieval Times, or travel with a renaissance fair, and my guess is, we’ll never have to deal with their nonsense again.

LINKS

• Today is Dia De Los Muertos.  Here is a link explaining the origins.  I love the artwork.
• Hotels gross me out a little.  10 Hotel Secrets.
• To celebrate the release of Spectre, here is an interactive map that shows everywhere James Bond has ever been.
• Cool new hoverboard.  I must have one.

Fall and spring are the best times of year for backpacking.  It’s not hot.  The bugs are minimal.  The nights are good for sleeping.  I get out into the woods when I can.  Schedules fill up, and life happens, so the result is, I don’t get out as much as I would like.  Whenever I do get the chance to go, one of the hardest things to arrange is a ride to wherever my friends and I are getting on the trail.

About ten years ago I organized a weekend trip up near the Delaware Water Gap in northeast Pennsylvania.  I invited two of my wife’s cousins and good buddy of mine from high school, who lived up in that area.  I didn’t arrange a ride to the trailhead in advance, but being an eternal optimist, I figured we’d work something out.  We all got together on the day of the trip and started calling people we knew in the area to see if they’d give us a ride.  It took about an hour, but we found and acquaintance of a friend who was willing.  I will avoid using names to protect the guilty.

He pulled up in an older model car with his dog, and we all piled in.  My buddy sat in the back with my wife’s two cousins, and I sat in the front with a medium sized dog on my lap.  My buddy knew who this guy was so the small talk started.

“Which dog is this?”

“This is Bear, Booger died.  He got hit by a car.”

“Oh,,,,,, that’s too bad.”

So, apparently it was Bear sitting on my lap.  I felt like asking Bear why my leg was getting wet, but I didn’t want to be rude.  I was sitting in his seat.

“You guys should probably put on your seat belts.  I don’t exactly have a valid driver’s license.  Once we get to Pennsy we should be alright, but these Jersey cops are @$#%$!.”

I looked in the backseat to find everyone buckling up.  Everyone was also smiling.  I was trying not to smile, but probably not doing a great job.  There we were, buckled up, obeying all traffic laws, and in general, trying not to look pull overable.  Meanwhile, I was disturbed by my wet leg.  Thanks, Bear.

Some people may say, “You should have found someone else to give you a ride.”  To that I say, “Why?  So we could all make polite small talk about the weather and be delivered safely to our trailhead?”  I maintain that his ride was far more entertaining.  Instead of talking about the weather, we got to hear our driver’s explanation of why the New Jersey cops were @$#%$!.  We also had the added excitement of knowing that if we were pulled over, our driver would likely be arrested.

The forty five minute trip went by uneventfully.  He dropped us off, we got on the trail, and we talked and laughed about our ride for first mile or two.

UPDATE:  While our driver did not end up going to jail on that particular day, he did eventually spend some time as a guest of the Feds.  The government will let you get away with a lot of things, but when you take part in a bank robbery, they feel like you might need some timeout.  Don’t worry about our driver.  He was released recently, which is good news, because that means he’s available to give us a ride next time we go hiking.

 

 

I used to look forward to cool weather.  I used to snowboard.  I used to camp in the snow.  I used to go to work in the summer and say, “I prefer cool weather, because you can always warm up, but when it’s hot, you can’t always cool down.”  What a crock.  Cold weather is awful.  It gets into your bones and you don’t actually get warm again until somewhere in mid June.

I was in Florida for a wedding last weekend (hence the wedding article).  When we got on the plane to return home from Tampa, the temperature was in the 80’s.  When I got off the plane in Philly the temperature was in the 40’s.  This was very depressing.  I thought, “You’re not going to make it.  You need some motivation to get through this.”  So, I decided to make list of good things about the fall season.  I’ll stick it on the wall near the front door.  Every time I have to go outside, I’ll put on my coziest sweatshirt, pop in my earbuds and blare You’re The Best Around by Joe Esposito (you know, from Karate Kid), and read my pump up list.

• Fall Foliage:  In my area we usually get beautiful fall colors.  I appreciate the beauty of nature even more when the tree is in someone else’s yard.  Those are leaves that I won’t have to pick up, unless I am sentenced to some kind of community service.
• Pumpkin Spice Everything:  I should clarify.  I don’t actually consume anything that is pumpkin flavored.  But I do enjoy seeing people get excited about the return of the pumpkin spice.  I also enjoy it when all of the people who look forward to pumpkin spice returning are made fun of.  Sometimes I am involved in making fun of them.  Like I’m doing right now.
• Movies:  A lot of the big blockbusters come out in the summertime, but November and December are good movie months too.  Bond movies always come out in November.  This year we have the last Hunger Games movie and the new Star Wars movie too.  Have you seen the trailer for that thing?  It looks great.  I would be remiss if I didn’t mention horror movies.  October is horror movie central.  I like them.  My wife hates them.  We went to see Scream in the theater.  We were in the back row and she was so stressed out that at one point she was standing with her back pressed against the wall and she had the funniest look on her face.  This presented a problem for me because the movie was entertaining, but so was the spectacle taking place beside me, and I didn’t want to miss either one.
• Halloween:  I know people who get all discombooberated about Halloween.  There all like, “It’s the devil’s holiday.”  Look, unless you’re sacrificing goats in your backyard on the 31st, I don’t think you have anything to worry about.  Hershey’s bought the holiday from the devil in 1932 anyways.  My kids don’t like to trick or treat all that much.  This is a little weird to me but I don’t push them.  I just make them continue until I feel like they have a satisfactory number of Sweet Tarts in their bags.  Yes, I take all their Sweet Tarts.  What?
• Thanksgiving:  Football and food.  What could make it better?? All Mexican food Thanksgiving.  I don’t know one person who’s ever said, “You know which holiday has the most delicious food? Thanksgiving.”  The most food.  Yes.  The best food.  No.  It’s mostly kind of bland.  Last year I proposed to make Thanksgiving have the best and the most food.  I think the Pilgrims and the Wampanoags would approve.

That’s really all I can think of.  Give me 95 degrees with high humidity.  Give me that heat that makes you sweat the minute you walk out the door.  Because you know what?  You can always cool down if it’s hot, but when it’s cold, you can’t always warm up.

I’m getting old. I went to a wedding in Florida this weekend and the bride and groom looked like kids to me. When time came for me to congratulate them, I think I said something like, “You two whippersnappers make a beautiful couple. Do you mind if my wife takes a picture of us with her Polaroid Instamatic?”

I do enjoy a good wedding. Here are the five best things about weddings.

1. Getting dressed up. I complain and complain about putting on a suit.   Then I get dressed and something happens. I feel like James Bond. I start using big words that don’t really apply to the situation. I start tipping everyone. I start using Rat Pack terms. You know what I mean? No? Here’s an example. We go to Hallmark to get a card. I’m like “Hey kid, where do they keep the Shoebox cards? Those things are inscrutable. Here, take these Washington’s, have lunch on me. I like the cut of your jib.”
2. Hanging out with friends. It doesn’t matter if they’re new friends or old ones. Everyone is a captive audience for the duration of the ceremony and reception. If you don’t have fun it’s your own fault. So, sit, shoot the breeze, and make fun of the table that is too embarrassed to get up and dance.
3. Dancing. I never in a million years thought that I would say that. I enjoy the dancing. I still don’t know how to dance, but if I make it through a three-minute song and stay on beat, I feel like I accomplished something. The key to dancing is realizing that half of the room is drunk. They aren’t really paying attention to you. They’re just trying not to fall over. Someday when they start handing out participation trophies at weddings (which they inevitably will) I will proudly stand on stage with my Capri Sun and orange wedges and accept mine. I will have a speech prepared. “First and foremost, I would like to thank all of the people who are more uncoordinated than me. You have made this moment possible.”
4. Being reminded of your own wedding. I have been married for fifteen years. My wedding isn’t something that I think about all that often anymore. When I sit there and watch two people commit to each other, whether it’s for love, financial reasons (you know who you are, you gold diggers), or shotgun (pregnancy) reasons, I get reminded of my wedding. I remember how young we were and how pretty my wife looked and how they played Bon Jovi at our reception.
5. The free food. That’s pretty self-explanatory. I love food. From the appetizers to the cake. Bring it on.

I’m starting to run out of friends who are the marrying age. Time to hang out with some younger people. I might look like the creepy older guy, but I’m really just here for the wedding invite.

LINKS

• October 18 is Alaska Day.  Celebrate Seward’s Folly by checking out Alaska’s tourism site.
• Jane Fonda just revealed that she went skinny dipping with Michael Jackson.  I’m sorry, but that sounds like the worst celebrity skinny dipping party ever.
• There was a shooting at Zombie Con down in Florida this weekend.  That’s awful, but you guys were kind of asking for it.
• The upcoming season of Downton Abbey will be the last.  Here is the first preview trailer.

My week has been full already.  I’ve bought a suit, played several games of tag in the backyard, broken up at least four brother fights, and taken the boys to the bus stop while wearing the most awesome green sweatpants that I own.  Time for some absolutely random observations.

• I’m not sure who is actually in charge of what gets put on TV.  Sometimes I think it’s a focus group of kindergarteners from  Beverly Hills.  Whoever it is.  I would like to make a request.  Please, no more medical shows.  Nothing is sillier than an actor saying things like, “We can’t make any mistakes because mistakes are the difference between life and death.”  I’ve been in many hospitals, and I have never heard anyone say anything like this.  Mostly it’s just people doing paperwork and reminding their bosses that it is time for their smoke break.
• I went suit shopping this week.  It was as fun as it sounds.  I realized I was in the wrong store when the guy offered me a custom-made suit.
• The guy in charge of the second place I went to find a suit measured me and told me what size I should be looking for.  An hour later I brought my choice to the counter.  He didn’t remember me.  I have to admit, I was disappointed.  An hour ago he had virtually hugged me while taking my measurements.  I guess that meant nothing to him?
• General Mills has announced it will make a limited run of Lucky Charms boxes containing only marshmallows.  This is great because it will save me the trouble of throwing out the remaining cereal after my six year old has surgically picked every marshmallow out of the bowl.
• Today I am preparing for an upcoming wedding.  By preparing I mean mentally toughening myself because I know I will be dancing.  My wife says that she’s not a good dancer.  That’s not true at all.  She naturally knows how to move.  When I dance, I feel like I probably look like someone who is trying really hard not to step on a mouse.
• I love Trader Joe’s.
• It is slightly uncomfortable when the person ringing up your groceries at the store (not Trader Joe’s, remember, I love Trader Joe’s) tries to have an in depth conversation with you.  “How many kids do you have?  What are you doing this weekend?  Where did you go to high school?  What kind of deodorant do you have on?  Have you had a doctor look at that mole on your neck?  I might get my nipple pierced, what do you think?”  Look, if we’re going to be this close, at least give me a hug like the guy at the suit store.

Have a great Friday.  Come by on Sunday.  Like longwalkabout on Facebook.  Follow @longwalkabout on Twitter.

My three avid readers may remember that I made a list of ten things that I wanted to accomplish over the summer months.  This is my report card, or as one of my hippie dippy college professors called it, my ‘self evaluation.’  I’ll go over each of the items and either explain how I succeeded gloriously, or how I failed gloriously.  We don’t do mediocre.  Here we go.

1. Learn Spanish with the kids.  Ummm.  We did do some learning, but not nearly enough to survive on the run in South America.  I will continue to put effort in this area because being on the run in South America sounds like a great adventure, and I want to be prepared.
2. Build a killer treehouse.  Success.  It has a trap door and a rope ladder.  It will soon have a pirate flag.  I may have gone a little overboard.  I think it has more square footage than my first apartment.
3. Get some arrows.  Success.  I found a bunch of arrows at the awesome local thrift shop.  I am proud to report that no one went to the emergency room.  Even when we started shooting the arrows straight up in the air.  I would also like to report that the neighbors cat (the one who keeps pooping in my mulch) is much faster than he looks.
4. Take the kids to the Statue of Liberty.  Success.  We had a great time exploring Ellis Island and walking around the statue.  If you end up going there on a day trip, take a lunch.  If you don’t, you will end up having to take out a home equity loan to feed your family of four.
5. See a movie in the park.  Twice we planned.  Twice we were rained out.  Attempt made.
6. Attend Reggae in the Park.  I forget why, but I just didn’t make it.  I’m sure that it was less fun simply because I wasn’t there.
7. Spend lot of time at the local library.  Success.  My kids read a lot.  I won’t say they knew us by name over there because I was mostly avoiding eye contact or chasing my youngest through the stacks, but if you went to the desk and asked for the guy who comes in every week and always tells his boys no when they want to buy candy,,,, they’d know who you were talking about.
8. Take the boys to two movies in one day.  Success,,, kind of.  Okay, so we didn’t see two movies in one day.  What I did do was find coupons for the new Avengers movie, make a bag of my own popcorn, fill my own water bottle,  and cram it into a shoulder bag.  Whole movie experience= $14.00.  DAD WIN.
9. Keep the car clean all summer.  No one caught Legionnaires disease or tuberculosis from riding in our car, so I’m calling it a success.
10. Finish my book.  Not done yet but it’s coming along.

Six out of ten.  That’s a bad test score but a great batting average.  It’s all about perspective.

LINKS

• Some people put together a really creepy haunted house out in California.  You have to sign a waiver before you go in.  Here is the promo video.  Warning:  It’s creepy and there are a lot of pigs.
• Remember that famous Alcatraz escape in 1962?  Family members of some of the inmates are saying that they actually survived their swim in the bay.
• October 17th, 2015 is Bridge Day at the New River Gorge in West Virginia.  One year I took a rafting trip that ended underneath the bridge.  We sat there for a couple hours watching people hurl themselves off the 876 foot high span.  It’s worth the trip if you ever get a chance.  Here is some footage from last year’s event.
• I started with creepy and I’ll end with creepy.  Here is a slideshow of cool ghost towns.

 

I am still in mourning for my beloved Pittsburgh Pirates, so please forgive me if I start spouting about the Cubs, billy goats, 1908, a first baseman who fields and hits for power, and the need for robotic umpires.  Seriously, if you’re going to bother putting up the strike zone on TV just to show me how inconsistent the umpire is, don’t be surprised when I start to question the need for overweight dudes who can’t get the calls right.  Sorry.

• Kevin Corcoran passed away this week.  For those unfamiliar with the name, he was the kid in Old Yeller and the youngest kid in Swiss Family Robinson.  If you’re keeping score at home, that would be one movie that horrified me as a child, and one movie that delighted me as a child.   The kid had range.
• I wish people would stop wringing their hands about NFL players having lasting injuries when they retire.   Cut it out with the “I don’t know if I should watch football if those guys are getting hurt.”  Do you know what some of the most dangerous careers are?  Truck Driver-  In 2012 alone, 756 truck drivers died in work related incidents.  Construction Worker-  In 2013 construction industry deaths accounted for upwards of 20% of work related deaths.  I’ve worked in the trades.  You carry lasting injuries from those jobs when you retire, and no one cheers you on while you are working.  Well, there was one time, but I’m pretty sure that lady was drunk.  Look, I don’t see you saying “Ooh, I’m not sure I can shop at that store because someone who was delivering the food may have been injured or killed while he was working.” Or, “I’m not sure I can live in a house anymore because the construction industry is super dangerous.”  Life isn’t perfect.  Zip it.                      Wow. I am in a mood.
• I will now take a minute to go to my happy place.
  

  Skinny Legs. My Happy Place in St. John.

   

• Didn’t work.  Man, that game was depressing.
• I took my wife out to lunch for Mexican food today.  Normally I don’t like to try new dishes at a restaurant.  Odds are 50/50 that you’re gonna end up thinking, “Well that was a waste of 14 dollars.”  Mexican food is the king of all foods because you can’t go wrong no matter what you choose.  Nachos- delicious.  Tacos-  delicious. Burritos- delicious.  Enchiladas- delicious.  I could go on like Bubba from Forrest Gump.  The only thing you have to be wary of is that mole sauce.  That’s not for everyone.  We took my wife’s grandmother out for Mexican once, and what did she choose?  Some dish with mole sauce.  That really shouldn’t be your first Mexican dish.  You’ve been warned.
• I hope the Cubs get food poisoning.
• Good night.

I remember when I first discovered the “free refill.”  What a magical time.  “You mean I can get food that is really bad for me,,,, and I can fill my cup with soda as many times as I want?”  Twenty pounds later I had to rethink my eating habits.

The crack research department here at longwalkabout.com has determined that the first free refills were offered by Taco Bell in 1988.  It didn’t become a widespread practice until the time when I was graduating high school.  This was perfect timing.  My friends and I were working together at a summer job, and almost every day we would have lunch down at the Bell.  Some of us would buy lunch, some of us would bring it.  I was a lunch buyer.  A 7 layer burrito and two bean burritos plus my refills.  I know.  It’s a lot.  Don’t judge me.

Every now and then you have to break up the routine.  One day we decided to take full advantage of the refill system at our regular lunchtime haunt.  For some reason one of us had an empty two liter bottle.  We could have just gone to the store and paid two dollars for another bottle of soda.  But no.  It would be more fun and much more of a challenge to try to fill the empty bottle with refill after refill from the soda fountain.  How do you approach a heist like this?  Like you are robbing a Vegas casino with George Clooney.  One of us was the lookout.  One of us was the designated pourer, and one of us shielded the designated  pourer from the view of the extremely disinterested staff at the Bell.  Things went well for about a liter.  Then the pourer started to get antsy.  It takes an unbelievable number of trips to the soda fountain to fill a two liter bottle.  Especially when you’re using a small cup.  In hindsight,  a large size would have been more efficient.  He said, “We’re gonna get caught.”  We urged him not to crack under the pressure.  I’m not quite sure what we expected to happen if we did get caught.  Maybe the Taco police would come busting through the kitchen and there would be a mad scramble for the exit.   All of us but one would make it out, where we would hop into our getaway vehicle.  The one guy who got caught would be thrown onto the terracotta tile floor, have his hands zip tied, and be dragged into the walk-in freezer.  Once in the freezer he would be secured in a metal chair and the head of the Taco police (who has a glass eye and six fingers on his left hand) would proceed to waterboard him with hot sauce until he gave up all of our addresses and phone numbers.

In the end the pressure was too great for the pourer.  He left the 2/3 full two liter in the booth.  One of us did go back in and get it.  I don’t think we ever drank it because, not surprisingly, it had lost most of its fizz.  The heist was essentially successful, but  our future in high pressure con games didn’t look promising.

LINKS

• Some cool aerial footage of a guy stand up paddle boarding with two whales off the coast of Australia.
• A guy in Italy was late for his flight, so he decided to delay it with a bomb threat.
• The trailer for The Walk is visually stunning.  I might leave my house to go see it.
• Some employees at Toronto’s airport went above and beyond when a little girl lost her teddy bear.  Proving again that Canada is lucky to have us as a neighbor because they’re just too nice.