LONGWALKABOUT

Let’s play a game.  It’s called the First World Inventions/Am I An Awful Person? game.  I am going to list five inventions that are borderline ridiculous and only exist in first world countries.  Keep score at home.  At the end of the article you can discover how good (or bad) of a person you are.

1. Remote control window blinds-  Seriously.  What are you a Bond villain?  This is one of those add ons that window treatment companies will try to sell you.  I’m sorry that getting out of your chair to close the blinds is too much effort.
2. Roombah-  Who has floor space clear enough to use one of these?  They obviously don’t have children.  If I had one, it would be sliding around the living room, full of Legos while the boys shot at it with Nerf guns because, hey, moving target.
3. 

   Our famous/infamous can opener.

   Electric can opener-  My wife disagrees with me on this one.  I’m going to put it in here because I am biased.  We went though the first 13 years of our marriage using just a camping can opener.  It was small, had no handle, and whenever we had guests who wanted to help in the kitchen, they couldn’t figure out how to use it.  We bought several regular can openers that were supposed to replace it, but they always broke.  A year ago, my mom (who thought the 13 year streak was ridiculous) bought us a nice can opener (non-electric).  I am forced to admit that it was an upgrade.  Electric can openers, however, are silly and hard to clean.  They always get all gunked up with stuff from the cans.  If you exercised your wrists using a regular can opener, maybe you wouldn’t need the next product.

4. The Snuggie-  Bought a Snuggie?  The joke is on you.  You probably already had one.  It’s called a robe.  If ever the need for a blanket with sleeves arose, you could have just grabbed a robe, put it on backwards and sat down on the couch to do whatever people who have issues with cold wrists do.  I would just like to point out that regular blankets have been doing a fine job at keeping people warm for, I don’t know, thousands of years.
5. A TV that is 70 inches or larger-  I know.  It’s kind of judgy of me.  But c’mon.

If you own one of these, you’re probably okay.

If you own two, you’re still probably okay.

If you own three.  Uh oh.

Four.  Yeah, you’re probably not that great of a person.

Five.  You are a Bond villain.  An eccentric one.  But let’s be honest, is there any other kind?  I picture you sitting on the couch in your Snuggie, eating a can of Chef Boyardee that you opened with your electric can opener, petting your white cat while you use the remote control to close the blinds because the sun was causing a glare on your huge television.  Oh, and your Roombah is stuck in the corner.

I get it.  Marvel pretty much owns summer movies these days.  I’m not saying that I don’t enjoy superhero movies.  I do.  But they’re starting to wear a little thin.  How many times can you save the earth from aliens or megalomaniacs?  Hold  on the phone is ringing……….   That was Marvel.  They say you can save the earth until it isn’t profitable anymore.

In this post I am going to make the case that Crocodile Dundee is better than most Marvel characters.  There are a gazillion Marvel guys and I don’t have the time, or the desire, to do a side by side comparison for each of them.  Today I’m just going to go over some highlights.

• The Hulk–  He’s big, he’s green, he likes to break stuff.  I’m down with all of that.  It’s Bruce Banner I can’t stand.  What a wuss.  If you visited Bruce Banner at his apartment, or lair of sadness, or wherever he hides out, you’d find him watching foreign films.  To quote Bowling For Soup, his iPod would be full of “singers who are mad at their dad.”  Mick Dundee would never live a sad life like that.  He is totally comfortable in his own skin.  He only got bummed out once, when he thought a girl chose a doofus over him.  Did he sulk?  Nope.  He decided to go check out America.  As far as breaking stuff goes, Mick killed a crocodile with a knife.  Good enough.
• Thor–  Thor is cool.  I just get the impression that he’s not all that bright.  The alien family drama is tiresome.  The hammer thing is just kind of silly.  Really, he’s just a poor man’s Superman.  Mick Dundee is way more fun to watch.
• Wolverine-  Let’s just say that he shares an iPod with Bruce Banner.  He’s another guy with more angst than the entire sophomore class at your local high school.  Mick has none of these problems.  In his second autobiographical film he was in the outback, being chased by a crazy cartel boss who had kidnapped his buddy, and then his girlfriend mistakenly shot him.  Angst level during all of this – zero.  In fact he was kind of having fun.
• The Entire Fantastic Four–  Not just because the movies were bad.  Let’s run it down.  Stretchy guy, invisible girl, fire guy who can fly, and big rock guy.  Nobody cares about stretching.  Ask Gumby.  Fire guy, meh.  Invisibility is cool.  Rock guy is a poor man’s Hulk.  Mick can sneak around in the outback as if he were invisible, he rescued his girlfriend from a drug lord’s compound, he was raised by Aborigines, he has no idea how old he is, he can basically speak to animals, and again, he killed a crocodile with a knife.  Not to mention the cool Australian accent.  So yes, he’s better than the entire Fantastic Four.

There are some great Marvel characters.  Iron Man (before he started hanging out with Bruce Banner in Age of Ultron),  and my personal favorite, Ant Man.  Those guys are on the level with my hero Crocodile Dundee.  Why?  Because they don’t take themselves too seriously.  But neither of them can throw a boomerang.

LINKS

• The theme song for the new Bond movie is out.  Here is an article about it.  It’s called Writing’s On The Wall.  Listening to it is like taking an Ambien and following that up with a Lunesta. They should have just let Adele do it again.
• Researchers have discovered that chimpanzees love horror movies.
• There was a fight over a Nutella sample at Costco.  What a great sentence that is.
• September 25 is Mark Hamill’s (Luke Skywalker’s) birthday.  From the looks of these autographs he’s getting tired of signing Star Wars stuff.

Ahhh, high school.  High school is miserable.  For most of us high school is something to endure.  It’s like waterboarding or winter or a Tyler Perry movie.  You grit your teeth and do what you have to do to survive, like the Donner Party.  What makes it bearable?  Your buddies.  That’s really about it.  You hang out, you keep each other entertained, and you help each other along.

On some weekends during the schoolyear, my friends and I would get together at one of our houses and do incredibly productive things.  In fact we finished a lot of things at these get togethers.  Many pizzas, two liters, video game levels, and bad movies on USA’s Up All Night.

One Saturday night we ended up bringing a guy along who wasn’t a regular.  Everything was going fine.  The pizza was good and the cans of grocery store soda were adequate.  We were taking turns in the WWF Royal Rumble on Sega Genesis.  At ten o’clock we looked over and the new guy was asleep on the couch.  This was simply unacceptable.  We were willing to cut him a break.  Maybe he wasn’t aware of the etiquette in situations like this.  The proper thing to do is stay awake until you are falling asleep on your feet.  You have to get all the fun out of the evening that you can.  When you just can’t stay awake any longer, then you are free to sleep on whatever furniture or floor is available.  Absolutely no one falls asleep at ten.

We needed to wake up the new guy and explain to him the error of his ways.  To us, the most logical way to wake him up was to toss empty soda cans at him.  I don’t remember how many cans were actually thrown, but let’s just say that it was not an insignificant number.  Double digits for sure.  One or two may not have been empty.  Sorry about that.  Ten minutes later he was asleep and surrounded by cans.

What to do next?  The house we were at was fairly isolated.  We decided that it would be fun to cut the lights and wake him up suddenly, claiming that we had seen someone outside one of the windows.  One of us rounded up some baseball bats from the garage and then we shook him awake, shoved a bat in his hand and worriedly explained that there was a prowler.  What followed can best be explained as ten hilarious minutes of checking windows and doors with one scared guy and three other guys who were trying really hard not to laugh.  Ten minutes without laughing was pretty good.  Somebody finally did laugh and for a second or two we wondered if giving the guy a baseball bat had been a good idea.  Eventually we all returned to the Royal Rumble and the new guy stayed awake.

Moral of the story:

1.  High school buddies are good.  In fact, you may never have better friends than you did in high school.
2.  Never ever ever be the first guy to fall asleep.  EVER.  Nothing good will come of it.

 

Here are some things to think about while you enjoy the beautiful weather this weekend.  Or, if you live in California.  Things to think about in between rain dances.

• Let’s just say that Bigfoot exists.  But…..  What if Bigfoot actually has small feet and he’s really embarrassed by that?  What if he has developed prosthetic feet to use so that he can leave larger more intimidating footprints?
• Note to churches that are upset about there being no young people in the pews.  I believe in Christianity and the value of attending church.  If you want to attract more young folks, start by updating the hymnal.  I was looking through it while ‘listening’ to the sermon, and I noticed that it was filled with songs that my great grandfather would have considered oldies.
• I was pondering the Tortoise and the Hare the other day and I came to the conclusion that Slow and Steady only wins the race if Fast stops to take a nap.
• If aliens landed on earth on a Sunday during football season and popped on the TV, based on the commercials they would be forced to conclude that most football fans are alcoholics with erectile dysfunction that love to gamble on fantasy football and are in desperate need of a new car insurance company.  Maybe they wouldn’t be all that wrong.
• Everyone is rightly upset about what the ladies on The View said about nurses this week.  Let’s turn the whole thing around and ask why they have broadcaster’s microphones in front of them.
• I am skeeved out by products that mask bad odors.  An honest advertisement for these products would go something like, “So And So Good Smell Spray, for when you really need to mask the smell of the squalor you choose to live in.”
• You may have heard about the two high school football players in Texas who blindsided the ref.  Well, never mind whatever really happened there.  One of those kids has one of the most amazing mullets I’ve ever seen.  My high school mullet bows to his mullet out of respect.
  

  image via abcnews.go.com

• So, some guy in Florida accidentally set a king cobra loose.  I imagine that he feels like I feel when I set my kids loose at one of those party places with inflatables.  “Something bad could happen here, but it might not, but it could, but it might not, but odds are good.”

LINKS

• Who doesn’t love a news story about an out of control ice cream truck?
• Today is the fortieth anniversary of the arrest of Patty Hearst.  For those of you unfamiliar with the Patty Hearst story and all it’s strangeness, here is an explanation of what went down.
• Mobs of tourists were disturbing nesting sea turtles in Costa Rica.  Why do sharks exist?  Sharks exist to eat these people.
• Some guys were doing some serious killer clown pranks in Vegas.  As someone who is already wary of clowns, let me say NO,,,,,,  just NO.

Everyone is now back into the school groove.  My youngest saw his preschool teacher in the hall during his first week back and said, “Can you believe I made it to first grade.”  He’s his father’s son.  I walk around thinking, “Can you believe people trust me with adult responsibilities?”

I’m glad the kids are back in school now.  Since the internet loves lists, here are the five best things about back to school time.

1. I may have mentioned several sentences ago that I’m shocked when people trust me with adult responsibilities.  This year my wife entrusted me with the back to school shopping list.  I have to be honest, I kind of liked it.  It was like a scavenger hunt.  Pencils, erasers, glue sticks, steno pads.  I printed some coupons, checked my Cartwheel app, and took the kids to Target.  “Can we get a toy dad?”  “No kids we are on a mission.”  I do think teachers always put one item on the list just to screw with you though.  They’ll get really specific sometimes.  Like. “Please bring in one box of crayons that contains no more than 15 and no less than 13 crayons.  And please ensure that one of those colors is magenta.”
2. Now that there is no one around during the day to tell me they are hungry every half hour I am getting an amazing amount of work done.
3. School is a much more structured environment.  The kids need that.  If I was a drill sergeant and our house was some kind of military school, it would go something like this.  “Privates, stand at attention, or continue lounging.  It’s your call.  Now that I have your partial attention, here is the schedule for tomorrow.  We will wake between 0700 and 0830,  upon which time we will make Eggo waffle and Nutella sandwiches.  Then we will put on our least wrinkled shorts and t-shirts.  At some point between 0930 and 1030 we will decide what we are doing for the day and then we will go do that, completely forgetting that we have not planned for lunch.”
4. Since every night is a school night, the kids now have to go to bed early.  This gives me plenty of time to binge watch shows on Netflix.  This can be a bad thing though.  Case in point.  I just watched a British show about a serial killer.  It starred Gillian Anderson (Scully from the X-Files).  That ruined the show for me.  The whole time I was wondering  why Scully had a bad British accent and where the aliens were.  To make matters worse, the serial killer was played by the guy from 50 Shades of Grey.  Not only was he mediocre, now I can never watch 50 Shades because the whole time I’ll be thinking, “DON’T LET HIM TIE YOU UP,,,,,,  HE’S GOING TO KILL YOU!”
5. I like picking the kids up from school.  I pull up in the car line, the principal and I talk some baseball while I wait, and then my boys come walking out the door.  My big guy holds my little guy’s hand until they get to the passenger door of the car.  I know they make them do this for safety, but it’s still a great image, and he’d probably do it anyway because he’s a good big brother.

 

After a long weekend full of grilling, napping, and not laboring, I have a few thoughts.  Warning: Only one of these thoughts is profound, and even that one is borderline.

• I was refilling my bird feeder and putting out a new block of suet that I hoped would attract some woodpeckers when I realized that I would soon be my neighborhood’s equivalent of strange lady in the park who sits on the bench and feeds the pigeons.  Then I realized that I’m okay with that because I will probably have the bench all to myself.
• Football season is about to start.  I have some predictions.  1.  The Patriots will find a new way to cheat even though they have one of the best quarterbacks ever.  2.  The Jets will be bad.  3.  People in Jacksonville will continue to forget that they actually have a football team.
• I was taking my wife’s grandmother to a friend’s house last week when I became aware that we were riding along in the car listening to Green Day.  It made me laugh.  Just me and my wife’s granny rocking out to Green Day.
• If it doesn’t rain soon, I’m going to have to wash my car.  Thanks for nothing nature.
• My dog may misbehave, but he makes up for it by sitting around the house looking noble the rest of the time.
  

  Hello. I am noble.

• I went to the local hardware store to get some paint and I was so relieved that there was a new paint guy.  I used to go there to get paint and the old paint guy always looked like I was the last person on earth that he wanted to be talking to.  He was very judgy standing there with his glasses and mustache.  The only judgier guy I’ve ever seen with a mustache is Joe Brown, but that’s kind of his job.  I always left the store carrying a gallon of paint, but not quite sure if I was worthy of it.
• I was at the park the other day and I heard one kid say to another kid, “Here, hold my cheese curls.”  I couldn’t make up my mind whether that was the funniest or the saddest thing that I had heard all day.  I think it may have been the kid equivalent of, “Hold my beer.  Watch this.”
• When I pick up the kids from school, I usually take my 14 year old Jeep Wrangler that has no air conditioning and is leaking a small amount of some unidentified fluid.  Sometimes when I pass another Jeep, the other driver will give a slight nod or hand wave like we’re both in some kind of Jeep club.  This is slightly weird.  I like Levi’s.  I’ve decided that whenever I see another person wearing Levi’s I’m going to point at their jeans, wink, and give them a thumbs up.  We’re in the Levi’s club together.  I’ll let you know how it goes.  (Apparently there is Jeep wave etiquette.  It’s still weird.)

I love the Caribbean.  If God was Bob Ross, and he was finishing his work of art that is the planet earth, I picture him saying. “I’m going to add one more thing.  Down here in this area of water, I’ll put some happy little islands.”  Yes, the Caribbean islands were God’s exclamation point at the end of creation week.  On a personal note, If God looks like Bob Ross, I’m going to be slightly disappointed…..  Which is how I know that God doesn’t look like Bob Ross.  Deep.  I know.

This year we traveled to St. John in the US Virgin Islands.  There isn’t much to do on St. John except spend lots of time in the water and relax.  More than half of the island is designated National Park land.  To me, this is perfect.  I could spend every day of my life in the water.

One of my goals on this trip was to take my kids swimming with sea turtles.  I knew that there was a bay on the island that would be particularly good for spotting turtles, and, since it was shallow, good for the kids too.  On the afternoon of our second day of vacation we made our way there.  Everybody put on their snorkel gear and out into the bay we went.  Within ten minutes of being in the water we found two green sea turtles swimming together.  This was the first time my five year old had seen a sea turtle, unless you count the ones in Finding Nemo.  He paddled after them for about fifteen seconds, then surfaced and did the best series of fist pumps I have ever seen.  He then demanded that I take his life jacket off so he could dive.  I got it all on film.

The biggest turtle we found also happened to be the most relaxed turtle in the world.  Nothing bothered him.  My kids repeatedly dove down to where he was eating on the bottom of the bay.  They touched his shell and swam all around him.  At one point my youngest looked like he was bongo drumming on the poor guy.  He didn’t let any thing we did interrupt his meal.  I totally understood this.  If I was at Margarita’s Mexican Restaurant and people were walking all around me, staring, and patting me on the head, it wouldn’t phase me at all.  I love Mexican food that much.  I guess this turtle just loved sea grass that much.

We followed the turtle around for about an hour.  It was almost dusk.  My wife, for whom every week is Shark Week, spotted a turtle that had a chunk bitten out of the left side of his shell.  In two seconds she did the mental calculations for the size of the predator that had taken a bite of the turtle, and promptly ordered everyone onto the beach.

I love the underwater world.  I love that my youngest son is only five and has swum with turtles, stingrays, barracuda, and tons of other sea creatures.  I love that I’ve gotten most of it on film.  It’s magic.

LINKS

• Some guys in Poland claim to have found the legendary Nazi gold train.
• The football team at Arkansas Tech lined up on the field in their first game with only ten players on defense to honor a team member who had died.  For all you people who don’t watch football, there are normally eleven players on the field.  Anyway, the resulting play in the Arkansas Tech game is pretty cool.
• Here is an article explaining where some of the weirdest town names in America came from.
• So.  Some girls in Louisiana pulled a fast food worker out of the drive thru window by HER HAIR.

I visited thrift stores a lot this summer.  Not because I’m super thrifty, but because they always have items that I had no idea that I needed.  A thrift store is basically a yard sale on a giant scale with constantly rotating merchandise.  Here is some of the gold that I found on my last trip.

• The Club.  Not just any version of the Club.  The Club for trucks.  For just six dollars, you can secure your truck like it’s 1992.  Serious car thieves figured out how to beat this thing a long time ago.  But if it will make you feel better, go ahead and slap it on the steering wheel of your 2004 Ford pickup.  Scare away casual car thieves and save a buck while doing it.
• A used bowling ball.   Not funny.  Actually a pretty good deal.  In fact, I hope it’s still there.  I might go pick it up.  It’s time to complete my bucket list goal of bowling a 200 game.
• Used magazines.  Nothing makes me feel better than getting a terrific deal on a two month old issue of Martha Stewart Living.  I’m gonna be upset if the article about creating a perfect late summer centerpiece for my table has been clipped out.
• Second hand boxer shorts.  No.  I don’t think I’m bold enough to buy used underwear.  I’d rather go commando under the used pair of Levi’s that I just picked up.
• A copy of the Emancipation Proclamation.
• Black Dog, starring Patrick Swayze and Meatloaf, on VHS.  Wait, don’t tell me you’ve never seen Black Dog.  It’s your classic ex-con trucker fights gun runners to save his family movie.  Go ahead and throw it in your cart.  It’s only a buck.
• Used VCR’s.  So you say you have nothing to watch your copy of Black Dog on.  Don’t worry.  There are plenty of VCRs to choose from.  It seems like no one in the world actually throws away a VCR.
• Leopard print shoes and matching handbag.  Perfect for all you cougars out there.
  

  Yeah baby

• Golf clubs.  I have avoided being frustrated by the game of golf by simply not attempting it.  I stick to golf’s more enjoyable aspects.  1. Going to the driving range and trying to hit the guy driving the ball collector.  2.  Mini golf.  If I ever do want to pick up golf though, I know where to get my clubs.
• Finally.  My favorite item from the trip.  A five disc set of evil animal movies.  One of them even has Leslie Nielsen in it.  If the killing of Cecil the lion has really been bothering you, for six dollars you can pick up this “EVIL ANIMAL TRIPLE FEATURE” and in no time you’ll be writing a thank you letter to that Minnesota dentist.  The box says that there are five discs but only three movies.  That means there are probably hours of special features for you to dig into.  Who doesn’t have time to watch The Making of Devil Dog, Hound of Hell?

See, lot’s of stuff that you won’t find at Target.  So get comfy in your second hand boxers, hook up your VCR, and pop in Black Dog.  Enjoy the evening and take pride in the fact that it only cost you $7.50.

My oldest son is ten.  That means he is old enough to join Pathfinders.  If you aren’t an Adventist, you may not be familiar with what that is.  Well, Pathfinders is Boy Scouts, but we include the ladies as well.  That’s all well and good until the kids reach teen years and realize that the opposite sex is fascinating.  Nothing like stressing out the chaperones.

Since my oldest is now involved, it looks like I’m going to be involved.  We’ve just had our first meeting, and it looks like it’s going to be a good group of kids.  Watching my son start his Pathfinder experience brought back some memories.

FLASHBACK

In 1985 the Adventist church decided that they needed to have a camporee that, for the first time, would include Pathfinder clubs from all of North America.  They held it at Camp Hale, Colorado, 9200 ft. above sea level.  17000 people showed up and camped in the three mile long valley that was used as a training ground for the 10th Mountain Division during World War II.

Those are the main facts of the event.  This is how eight year old me remembers it.

We drove.  And then we drove.  And then we drove some more.  West Virginia to Colorado is a long way.  My family was,,,,,,,, thrifty.  So, we stayed in roadside motels that would have made great horror movie sets.  After shower time one night, I was sitting on the motel bed, staring at the amazing shag carpet, when I saw a spider as big as my hand.  I pointed this out to my parents and my dad said with the utmost confidence, “It’s just a wolf spider.”  My dad’s utter disregard for the spider put me at ease, so as the night went on I paid little mind to the original spider and to his five or six friends who were late to the party.

Memories of the camporee come in flashes.  I remember climbing a rock outcropping that I wasn’t supposed to.  I remember sleeping in an RV that was not hooked up to any facilities.  Cold showers.  A robotics demonstration tent that included Commodore 64 computers.  Some guys showing everyone how to throw axes.  They even brought in a dude who wrestled a bear.  I remember doing laundry at the laundromat in Leadville, Colorado.

What stands out the most from this trip is my mom taking me to the creek that ran through the valley so I could “pan for gold.”  To eight year old me any trip out west that didn’t involve panning for gold was a waste. So, I grabbed a pair of my mom’s boots that looked close enough to cowboy boots for me, and some kind of basin, and we headed to the creek.  It was cold and we found nothing.  But it is my favorite memory from that week.

Now I hope to help my son make some good outdoor memories as he gets to know new friends and learns some new skills.  My only request is that these memories do not involve bears, or stomach ailments when only pit toilets are available.  The next camporee is in 2019.  By then my son should be in full teenage mode.  Watch out ladies.

LINKS

• Don’t you hate it when you’re walking along and you trip and put your fist through an expensive painting?
• Apparently the guy who invented Minecraft and then sold it is kind of depressed.  My son would be very sad to know this.
• An elementary school teacher in New Jersey got suspended because he was late to work 111 times in 2 years.  He should have called me for advice before he registered his excuse.
• Secrets for brewing coffee at home from the people who charge you 5 bucks for a ‘medium’ latte.  Who am I kidding, they know my name over there.