LONGWALKABOUT

Through the last two years of my glorious high school experience, and the first year or so of the sampler platter that was my college experience, I spent the summer working as a landscaper at a retirement community.  Mowing lawns and spreading mulch and trimming hedges in the summer heat is not enjoyable.  It does make cooling down after work enjoyable.  As a friend of mine in the air conditioning trade used to say.  “I do this because it feels so good when I stop.”  To which I would respond.  “I do it for the glory.”

Sometimes after the day was over at the retirement community, me and my buddies would head over to a swimming hole in the local river.  It wasn’t much more than five feet deep, but there was a rope swing and a tree with platforms to jump off at different heights.  We would spend an hour or two flipping off the swing and daring each other to jump from the highest platform.  You really haven’t lived until you have dropped out of a tree twenty five feet above water that is only up to your chin.  You have to land just right, and you still hit the bottom pretty hard.  Sometimes when my back is bothering me, I wonder if that had anything to do with it……..  Nah.

There used to be a road along the river at this spot, but the county had rerouted it and put up highway dividers as a blockade to ensure people could’t drive on that section of the old road bed.  We would pull our cars up close to the dividers to park, and then walk the rest of the way in.  We weren’t the only ones to use the swimming hole.  Other people would show up from time to time.  It wasn’t uncommon to see whole families.  There were no facilities in the area, so if you had to use the restroom, you either found a tree or sat in the water hoping that no one would come near you for a minute.  If they did.  Awkward.  If they realized what you were doing.  Double awkward.  If you had to go number two, you were out of luck.  You had to leave.

One day my buddies and I had cooled off in the river, and we were ready to go home.  We walked back down the abandoned road toward our cars.  When we reached the barrier I put one had on it and hopped over.  I used this method because it was quick,,,, and it looked pretty cool.  I’m gonna do a quick rewind to the part where I said that if you had to go number two while you were at the river, you were out of luck.  Apparently, not everyone thought so.  When I came down on the other side of that barrier, one of my bare feet landed directly on a pile of number two.  It wasn’t deer 2, or rabbit 2, or dog 2.  It was human 2.  I realize that this is an experience that not everyone has had, so I will do my best to let you know how it felt.  EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWW.  That probably didn’t do it justice,,, AAAHHH-EEEEEEWWWWW-$%#@&$!  I spent a half hour grinding my foot into the sand on the bottom of the river, trying to wash, thinking, “I knew I should have thrown the bleach, and the lysol, and the blowtorch in the car this morning.”

There.  Next time you hear someone say, “Look before you leap”, you can giggle and tell them this story.  Then tell them to check out the blog.  Thanks in advance.  And Happy Tuesday.

 

 

• Every feeling that you have seems to have an official “disorder” to go along with it these days.  I remember when Seasonal Affective Disorder was just, “Yay, it’s a sunny day” or “Boo, it’s raining.”  But in the spirit of all things disorder, since vacation, I think I officially have Locational Affective Disorder.
• One of the brake lines in my Jeep blew out this week.  Driving a stick shift home, while using just the emergency brake to stop, involves a lot of pedals and levers.  It makes you feel like one of those one man band guys – should have brought my harmonica.
• I watched Roman Holiday for the first time this week.  Targeting Rome for induction of my next bout of Locational Affective Disorder.  They don’t make em like Audrey Hepburn anymore.
• My prayers go out to all affected by the terrorist shooting in Chattanooga this week.  It is ridiculous to me that those military installations are “gun free zones.”  Isn’t that like your local plumber’s shop being a “pipe free zone”?
• I just listened to an audiobook about a guy who was called in to investigate murders at a company that was using artificial intelligence.  It took them twelve hours of audiobook time to figure out that the computer was to blame.  If they had called me in to help with their investigation, that book would have been ten pages long.  This is how it would have gone when I got to the facility.

Me:  “What is that over there?”

Company guy:  “Oh, that’s our supercomputer.  It actually thinks for itself.”

Me:  (Slaps company guy)  “What is wrong with you people?  Don’t you watch movies?  Burn this place to the ground.”

The End

• I’ve known some interesting people over the course of my life.  Some interesting in a good way, others interesting in a the police might want to swing by their house once in a while kind of way.  You know, give the basement a quick walk through.  Maybe bring a bloudhound or two.  At least my cast of characters is complete.
• I was kind of an Ed Sheeran hater, but Photograph is just a great song.  You finally got me, you crazy ginger.

LINKS

• Interesting interview with the sixteen year old girl who survived a plane crash and 48 hours in the wilderness.
• Proof from two different continents that BMW drivers are the worst.  (Although I’m not fond of the class warfare baiting in the Times article.)
• Someone has suggested that Nessie is just a large catfish.  I have it on good authority from Bigfoot himself that Nessie is quite real.
• On this day in 1918, Bolsheviks killed Czar Nicholas II and his whole family.  Or did they?

I mentioned a while back that I used to be an EMT.  My paid EMT gig was working for an ambulance transport company.  (It is just as thrilling as it sounds.)  My unpaid EMT gig was volunteering for the local rescue squad.  That was much more entertaining.

Weekends were good for ambulance calls.  When the weekend rolls around it seems like everyone is finally ready to unleash all the bad decisions that they were holding off on making during the work week.  A lot of calls come in for drunk people, people fighting, drunk people fighting, and once in a while someone has a non alcohol or substance related emergency.  If I had to rank my favorite ever ambulance calls, the following would be number 1.

It was Saturday night, surprise surprise.  We got called to a local supermarket parking lot with the report of an unresponsive male in a car in the parking lot.  Off we went.  Sirens, lights.  (All actually just as fun as you’d think.)  We found the car with the guy in it.  Just as the report said, he was unresponsive.  He was so unresponsive that the needle was still in his arm, if I remember correctly.  One of my partners grabbed that and bagged it, and we hauled the guy out of the drivers seat and onto our stretcher.  About this time, the paramedics arrived.  Everyone piled into the back of the ambulance, and we started to head for the hospital.

Narcan is a drug that is used to counter the effects of opioids.  I watched the medics administer it, and waited for our man’s overdose to start reversing.  When the guy started to show signs of coming around, a funny thing happened.  Someone grabbed one of the flashlights in the rig, pulled the guy’s eyelids back, shined the light down, and in a very Morgan Freeman like voice said, “THIS IS THE LORD,,,,  MOVE AWAY FROM THE LIGHT.”  One of my friends later told me that because of this particular treatment, there is a former junkie turned street corner preacher in one of the local cities.  Whatever it takes.

On these kinds of ambulance calls, the cops are involved, along with everyone else.  By the time we got to the hospital, the guy was groggy, but responsive.  Our police escort got out of his car, walked up to the stretcher and said, “I know you we went to high school together.  Remember me?  You’re going to jail.”  This guy’s Sunday was now officially ruined, but at least he was going to spend it on the right side of the lawn.

Lesson #1  Herion is bad for you in many ways.

Lesson #2  Near death experiences are not to be trusted.

 

 

• My children don’t seem to properly appreciate vacation. Next summer I’m going to get them jobs.  Maybe that will provide some perspective. They’ll never complain about going to the beach every day again.  One summer, I almost got a job detassling corn. I’m pretty sure it involved me riding a bus to the fields with some borderline criminals. That was the same summer I almost got a job in a glass factory. Perspective achieved.
• Interstate 81 through Virginia was designed to dare you to fall asleep while driving.
• Having a chocolate fondue fountain at any event is a bad idea.  A fairly recent study suggests that almost 50% of people don’t wash their hands after using the restroom.  So, that chocolate fountain is just a bacteria farm waiting to happen.  Consider it a roulette wheel of stomach ailments.
• If I can find something profitable that interests my ten year old as much as Minecraft, he’s gonna be a gazzilionaire. He will talk to me for hours describing the Nether and portals and spawning stuff. When I suggest we talk about something real, he just looks at me with a “but why?” look on his face.
• Recently in West Virginia. Now there’s an intro that could go many ways. Recently in West Virginia, a man was given a citation for keeping two grown deer in his house. They basically accused him of holding the deer hostage. He explained that he had raised them from when they were little fawns. I imagine that conversation something like this.

Officer: “Sir, please let those deer out of the house so everyone can have a fair chance to shoot at them.”

Man: “I don’t know what you’re talking about. There’s nobody here but me, Jerry, and Doug.”

Doug (deer #1): “Jerry, Jerry, JERRY. Do we have any Cheetos left?”

Jerry (deer #2): “They’re right behind the Mountain Dew and Jack Links. Open your eyes, Doug, sheesh. Oh, and bring those Jack Links in here, Ellen is about to come on.  She’s so charming.”

• The Grateful Dead just played their final show. I am grateful.
• I recently came across a list of musical artists who all hated their biggest hit song. Isn’t that kind of like Usain Bolt hating his feet?  To quote David Spade.   “Be quiet and sing the song. Just like it is on the album. No messing around.”

LINKS

• A guy is walking 650 miles to Comicon, wearing full stormtrooper gear.
• It’s Nikola Tesla’s birthday.  Here’s a short bio.
• We officially have three new National Monuments.
• Vacation horror stories from the editors of Frommer’s.

I’m back from vacation.  Contrary to the rumors, I did not join a doomsday cult.  I am in the process of organizing one.  Fake religions can be quite lucrative.

When flying to your vacation destination, nothing is more enjoyable than the airport security line gauntlet.  It used to be that the rules were the same for everyone.  Take the computer out of your bag, take your shoes off, don’t have any keys or coins in your pocket.  Now it’s different everywhere you go.  In fact, it’s different at multiple spots within the same airport.  At one line they’re like, “Hey, what are you doing?  Why are you taking your shoes off?”  At another one it’s, “Put that computer back in the bag, what are you, dumb?”  One line over it’s, “Sir please remove your shirt and shorts.  Then we’re gonna need you to do ten pushups while we frisk you and rearrange the contents of your carry-on.”  None of this actually makes you any safer.  It just frustrates you.

The line for security on the return leg of your trip is invariably worse.  Gone is the excitement and anticipation of getting to your destination.  Nope.  Now you’re just on the way home.  If the vacation was a good one, you’re tired and maybe a little sunburned and you just want to sit down.  Everyone else in line feels the same way.  It’s even worse if you’re in line with an annoying person.

On this last vacation, the annoying guy in line was “frat guy who is too old to still be frat guy.”  There he was in his dress shorts and polo shirt.  He had many little and loud comments that were supposed to be amusing for the whole crowd.  When we were halfway through line, I finally realized who he reminded me of.  Troy, the preppie bad dude from The Goonies.  I started to giggle.  I told my wife.  “Hey look, it’s Troy from The Goonies.  His dad’s gonna tear down the Goon docks and build a country club.  What a jerk.”  She also found this funny.  We spent the rest of our time in line quietly yelling,  “Andy, you goonie!”

There it is.  My suggestion on how to make your security line experience better.  Find someone in line who looks like the villain from a classic 80’s movie and mercilessly make fun of them with quotes from the film.  It works.

I was a painter.  Not a painter who created masterpieces.  A housepainter.  It was one of my college jobs.  The guy I worked for was one of the nicest bosses you could ever have.  My schedule was flexible, and let’s be honest, it’s not terribly hard work.  The worst part is the cleanup.

It was my second year at the school, and since I was on the baseball team, I had gotten to know some of the people in the athletic department.  They had told me that there was a job available in the gymnasium.  To me, this sounded a lot better than painting for another year.  So, I made up my mind to take the gym job.  I just had to tell my boss in the painting department that I was quitting.  Or did I.  I am  non-confrontational to a fault.  If everyone on earth was like me, we would have no world wars.  We would probably all go out of our way to avoid each other.  Also, the only food to exist would be Mexican.  Anyway, I decided to just not put myself on the schedule at the paint department.  In short, I never told anyone I was quitting.

The first week or so at the gym went pretty well.  Then they told me that I was going to be put on a new project.  Painting the racquetball courts.  Great, more painting.  I was sent over to the old racquetball courts, and guess who was there.  Yes, my old boss, who didn’t know that he was my old boss.  He thought that he was my current boss, and that he was there to meet an athletic department employee who he was going to teach to paint.  So ensued one of the more awkward conversations I have ever had.  It involved me explaining that I had more or less quit, and then him telling me what to do at my new job.

I spent a lot of time in those courts, listening to the radio, climbing the scaffolding with a bucket of paint and a roller.  It was probably cosmic justice that I quit a painting job in the worst possible way, only to move on to another painting job.  Me and my old boss ended up being fine.  I was lucky.  Like I said, he was a really good dude.

I am still not sure how this happened.  When my wife and I were in college, we got roped into being counselors for a weekend youth retreat.  It went like this.

Staff:  “Hey, do you guys want to go up to the camp for the weekend?”

Us:  “I don’t know, will there be free food?”  (which is still a main criteria for me)

Staff:  “Yeah, there is a big youth get together.”

Us:  “OK”

Then when we got there.

Staff:  “Oh, by the way, pick one of these cabins full of smelly teenagers.  You’re in charge of them for several days.”

Us:  “Huh???  There had better be free food.”

I was not happy.  The second night that we were there, we went to the cafeteria for dinner, and, if I remember correctly, I was not a pleasure to be around.  I grumbled through the meal and when we were done, I grabbed our trays and tossed the leftovers into the trash.

At this time in her life, my adorable future wife had a retainer.  When she ate, she would take it out and put it in a napkin next to her plate.  Now you may get where this is going.  When I threw out the trash that was on those trays, I also threw out her retainer.  She was already not happy with me for being grumpy.  Now she was really not happy with me.  By the time we realized what had happened, they had already changed the bags in the trash cans and thrown the full bags in a pile with a bunch of other full bags (it was like the opening scenes of Wall-E).  We did the only thing we could do.  We dove into those bags and started sorting.  Dental stuff is expensive.  After about half an hour and several full bags of trash, we still hadn’t found anything.  I was getting desperate, because this was my fault.  We prayed.  Not a normal, “Hey God, it would be nice if you could help us find this thing.”  No, we we said, “God, please help us find this thing within the next ten minutes.”  The very next bag that we looked in, there it was.  We gave it a bleach bath and that thing was good as almost new.

The last night of that youth retreat, it snowed.  There was a big snowball fight in the common area of the camp.  The one thing I remember about that snowball fight was hitting a girl square in the face by accident, and then trying to blend in quickly with everyone else so she wouldn’t figure out who threw it.

The next day we went home.  I never trusted the staff again.

LINKS

• It looks like our friends north of the demilitarized zone have found the cures for MERS, ebola, and AIDS.
• The Travel Channel’s list of the top ten Caribbean beaches.  I’ve only been to two.  Time to get cracking.
• The Simpsons predicted the Cardinals scandal years ago.  Here is the proof.
• We took the kids to Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty.  (One item off of this summer’s attainable bucket list.)  This was my first time to Ellis Island, and it was cool to stand somewhere that was part of the “largest mass human migration in the history of the world.”

• When someone says something like.  “People are just going to have to accept me for who I am.”  Or.  “I’m just keeping it real.”  What they really mean is.  “I’m going to act exactly how I feel like acting, with no regard for other people.”  Example.  “Those are some ugly shoes.  Just keeping it real.”  No.  You aren’t keeping it real.  You are keeping it adolescent.
• Every day I used to wake up and feel just like Phineas and Ferb.  Yeah, today is going to be a great day.  I’m going to accomplish something awesome.  My kids have finally beaten me down.  Now I wake up and say, “What am I going to do today? I’ll tell you what.  I’m going to take care of breakfast, lunch and dinner.  I’m going to be the referee in at least 12 kid fights.  I’m going to avoid any trips to the emergency room.  I’m going to use an hour of my life making sure the boys clean their room.  I’m going to try to do one thing for myself, and get interrupted about 16 times.  At the end of the day I’m going to sit there and realize that they’re still my favorite people.”
• Mosquitoes are nature’s way of making the outdoors less crowded for me.  Thanks nature.
• Since it’s now cool to identify as whatever you feel like you should be.  I would like to make it known that I identify as a lottery winner.  I’ve always felt like I should be one.  I am a lottery winner born into a middle class body.
• Last night the kids went to bed at a decent time.  The Pirates game was over early.  I thought, “I’m going to bed early tonight.”  And……. then I stayed up till Jimmy Fallon was over.
• I don’t know if any of you have ever seen this meme.  —-   “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.  Except for bears, bears will kill you.”  Think about that for a minute and realize that it makes absolutely no sense.
• I already mentioned Phineas and Ferb in this post, but I just wanted to say how bummed I was that the show came to an end this weekend.  The simple fact that Dora the Explorer is still on, and they aren’t, proves that this is a cruel, cruel world.
• The next time that something gets you down, or you are just frustrated.  Remember that there are seven,,,,,,count them,,,,,,seven Fast and Furious movies.  Life is absurd, and it’s all small stuff.

 

I was recently looking through some pictures from last summer.  There is one that I keep coming back to.  It is of my two boys standing in their great grandparent’s backyard in Puerto Rico.  It had just started to rain, and the boys were standing under a banana leaf shelter that my oldest son had made.  He had the biggest smile on his face.  That picture defines last summer for me.  It made me think of other defining summer moments.

• When I was in high school.  I spent the summer between my junior and senior years with my best friend and his grandmother.  My dad was doing schoolwork in Michigan, and the rest of our family was with him.  I stayed behind so I could work.  My buddy had this above ground pool.  The pool guy came out to shock it five times that summer, but he never got rid of this swampy green color.  You couldn’t see six inches into that pool.  We didn’t care.  We swam in it anyway.  The picture in my mind that sums up that whole summer, is me and my buddy walking in circles, making whirlpools in that dark green water while we listened to the heavy metal hour on the local college radio station.
• The summer before my youngest son turned two, we took my parents along with us on our yearly trip to Puerto Rico.  My little guy was not pleased with the heat and humidity.  He wasn’t a big talker when he was tiny.  The whole time we were there, he made faces to let us know how he felt about the weather.  We set the camera up with a timer to get a good group photo.  It came out great. Pretty much everyone was smiling and no one had their eyes closed.  My youngest, though, he just looked disgusted.  He was holding onto his little blanket with a look that said “it’s freaking hot, take me home.”
• Shortly after we got married, my wife and I had the opportunity to visit with some friends of ours who lived in Barbados.  It was the first time I had ever been to the islands.  I remember going out for breakfast the first morning we were there.  The waitress brought out orange juice for us and my wife’s friend, who we were traveling with, said, “This is the best orange juice I have ever had.”  The waitress just looked at her and said, “It’s Tang.”  That trip was the start of my Caribbean addiction.  I have a picture of my wife standing against a wall wearing pink shorts and a black top, with a flower in her hair, looking cute as can be.  It’s an all time favorite, and defines that summer.

LINKS

• It was a good week for movie trailers.  New James Bond trailer.  New Mockingjay trailer.
• Some guys were making a snowboarding video in Russia and they caught this rabbit surviving an avalanche on film.
• Macgyver was one of my childhood heroes, mullet and all.  Here is a website devoted to the man, the myth, the legend.
• We are well into baseball season now.  Here are some videos of players and managers having complete meltdowns during games.  My personal favorite is Lloyd McClendon stealing first base.

 

 

 

My birthday is coming up. A lot of times, when people ask how old I am, I actually have to stop and think about it. I figure I don’t need to worry about keeping track. By the time I’m old enough for social security there won’t be any left anyway. As people get older, they tend to lose their capacity to be amazed by things, their appreciation of nature, and their ability have fun in general. In short, they lose their inner child. If this happens to you, well, you’re pretty much a goner. I’m not saying that the death of your inner child precedes your actual death, but you might want to go casket shopping just in case.

Five signs you’re losing touch with your inner child.

1. You aren’t amazed anymore when you are onboard a plane that is taking off.  The average 737 has a maximum takeoff weight of around 75 tons.  75 tons.  It takes less than a mile to get those 75 tons of people, metal, luggage, bad airline food, and fuel off the ground.  That’s pretty cool.  I usually shove whichever of my sons I am sitting next to out of the way and plaster my face to the filthy airplane window so I can watch the ground recede.  When we have reached sufficient altitude, I lean back in my seat and think, “what kind of black magic is this?”
2. Baby animals don’t make you smile.  I mean,,, c’mon.  They’re baby animals.
3. Videos of people falling down can’t bring an end to your bad mood.  I love watching people fall.  Whether they are slipping on ice, falling off ladders, riding skateboards, or jumping on trampolines, people are funny when they fall.  America’s Funniest Home Videos has been on the air for twenty five years, mostly because videos of people falling down are funny.
4. You don’t enjoy fireflies on a summer night.  I love early summer nights.  My backyard is dark and after sunset, I like to sit out there and watch thousands of fireflies light up the trees.  If you pay attention, nature will always remind you of how small you are.  Also, you should pay attention to nature simply because it is constantly trying to kill you.
5. The only thing that you can imagine anymore, is what you’re going to eat for dinner.  I’m always amazed by my kids imagination.  My oldest son loves to write stories and make his own comic books.  It can be hard to hold on to that level of imagination.  The best way to do it is by reading.  Reading something other than restaurant menus. In the past I’ve found that the best time to exercise your imagination is during college level algebra classes.  As an adult, staff meetings are a great time to get in a little daydreaming.