LONGWALKABOUT

I learned two things when I accompanied my wife on a business trip to France.  1- The French reputation for being rude is exaggerated.  2- French dudes dig me.

I didn’t have any problems with people in France.  The one group that did kind of hassle us were the gypsies.  I’ve seen gypsies in a lot of movies, and they always come off as charming vagabonds.  In real life, I have yet to meet one of those gypsies.  The ones that I have met get extremely upset when I refuse to donate money for a relative’s “cancer treatment”, or when I tell them I don’t speak english.  I have two travel tips for France.  1.  Make an effort when choosing your wardrobe.  When you pack your bags and the moment comes when you have to pick between a nice button down shirt, and that t-shirt that says “Trust Me, I’m a Doctor”, pick the button down.  2.  Make a small effort to learn some general French phrases.  It will score you points.

When we arrived in France, I was immediately pulled out of the security line by a nice French gentleman.  He proceeded to do an extended pat down search while my wife stood on the other side of the partition and laughed at me.  She knows me better than anyone.  Therefore, she knew that this violated all of my personal space rules.  I’m not gonna say that the pat down was thorough.  I’ll just say that if I was wearing brail pants, he was memorizing every word.

We visited a lot of bakeries on that trip.  My wife loves bakeries (correction patisseries).  At one of these bread stops, I decided to wait for her by the door.  When we left with our purchases, she was laughing at me again.  “Did you feel any eyes on you?” she said.  I am fairly oblivious.  She went on to tell me that while she was waiting in line, she noticed a guy standing by the window.  He was giving someone an intense look over.  His eyes went down and up and down and up again.  My wife was curious who was attracting so much attention.  She stepped sideways and looked past the man.  There I was, standing by the door looking oblivious, and apparently attractive.  Ok, so I only have two examples, and the first guy may have just been doing his job, but who doesn’t need a little ego boost once in a while.

LINKS

• Some donut facts for National Donut Day.
• Story about a teenager who claimed to be an FBI agent and stole a car from a dealership.  That kid’s going places.
• A Berkely biologist says that Puerto Rican women are close to the perfect human being.  My wife will vouch for this.
• Since it’s NBA Finals time, here are basketball players reading mean tweets about themselves.

I hope that when I die, no one will choose to lament my passing on the rear window of their car.  I understand that people will be devastated when I leave this world, (Rightfully so.  I’m not going to be too happy about it either.)  but please refrain from putting up a tribute on the back of your 2001 Toyota Tercel.  Nothing says, “I want to immortalize this person’s memory”, like putting a sticker on an automobile that more than likely will be going into the crusher within ten years.  “Joe Schmo, Forever in our hearts, and on the back of our Hyundai, until we trade it in.”  If you feel that you must do this for me, put that decal on the back of a Rolls Royce.  If you can’t afford one, put it on someone else’s.

I have decided that I will never click on another internet link that tries to draw me in like this.  “A family uncovered this secret cave on their property.  YOU WON’T BELIEVE what was inside.”  Chances are, I will believe it.  And you know what, it’s probably gonna be a let down.  Unless it was Sasquatch.  That wouldn’t be a let down.  It wouldn’t be a great surprise, because I know they’re real, but it would definitely not be a letdown.

Another thought on stuff people put on their cars.  Political bumper stickers.  Is there a less reliable group of people than politicians?  One day it’s like, yay, he stands for what I stand for.  The next day it’s like, oh no, he stole campaign contributions, went to a brothel, got drunk, drove his car off of a bridge, and let the passenger drown.  Also, when you go and try to sell your car, you are kind of alienating half of your would be buyers.  Imagine being that guy in 1946 Germany, trying to sell his 13 year old Mercedes with the “Hitler / Himmler 34” sticker on the back bumper.

Sammy Hagar Van Halen was far superior to David Lee Roth Van Halen.

When someone says something like this to me, “Yeah man, this guy’s a great technical musician, he’s not really well known,,, he’s like, a real musician’s musician, man.”  What I hear is, “Yeah dude, he makes music no one else wants to hear.”

When my kids don’t love a movie from my childhood as much as I do, I am really tempted to criticize the cartoons that they watch.  Phineas and Ferb is awesome, though, so,,,, I’ve got nothin.

 

My youngest son just graduated from kindergarten. I have decided to let him enjoy this for a few days until I tell him how many more years he will be in school.  On the bright side, I will tell him that the kindergarten diploma he just got is worth as much as approximately 50% of the bachelor’s degrees you can get.

Now that the school year is over, I would like to take a moment to review some random highlights.

• The best thing that happened over the year was my little dude learning to read. He now reads better than half of the adults I know. That’s either really impressive for my five year old, or it doesn’t say much for my acquaintances. It’s probably a little of both.
• Last week, we narrowly avoided him peeing on Thomas Edison’s house. He disappeared around the corner, and when I followed, I found him getting ready to let loose on a National Landmark. I choose to look at this in a positive light. In the spirit of innovation, he was inventing a new use for the East wall of Glenmont.
• He has been taking swimming lessons since January. Once he figures out how to use his arms and legs at the same time, he’ll be pretty fast. Right now, his technique is to kick like crazy, and use his arms when he remembers. I do recommend not being the water behind him. He kicks indiscriminately.
• His teacher sent home a packet of things that he had worked on during the year.   I learned some things from this packet. He lists his favorite color as white. White. That made me laugh. White is less a color than it is just the absence of color. He loves chicken burritos, recess, and wants to be a scientist like mommy, so that he can do “icsparamitns.” (experiments) He does get around to mentioning daddy. Here is the quote. “My dad cleans the car.” Thanks for that. To be fair, he did also day that he wants to fly to New York in a plane with me. Both my kids love New York for some reason.
• He is has always been an intense child. Whatever he is feeling at any certain time, he is feeling it 100%. If he’s happy, he’s 100% happy. If he’s sad, he’s 100% sad. If he’s angry,,,, oh, it’s probably around 110%. I feel that we have experienced growth in this area during the year. He used to stand at the top of the steps with his little fists clenched and think of the most hurtful thing he could say. It’s been a while since he’s done that, though. I’d have to say it’s been six months since he’s yelled something like, “I hate your life.” My automatic response was to giggle. That might not have been helpful.

Now if I can just get him to eat some vegetables

LINKS

• Article about a couple who bought a Cambodian island for fifteen thousand dollars.  Because life doesn’t have to follow a script.
• On May 29, 1953, Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tenzing Norgay, became the first people to summit Mt. Everest.
• Apparently the new X-files script was pretty good.
• My favorite links this week.  Memorial day weekend brought out the food fights this year.  There was a fight over a waffle maker in Michigan.  Also, someone got stabbed over the last rib at a picnic in Indiana.

There are like three rules to caving.  Take two lights in.  Wear a helmet.  Leave a note on your car dashboard with the time that you entered the cave, and the time you expect to be out of the cave.  That’s kinda it.  Of course there are common sense rules.  Don’t get stuck.  Look before you step.  Don’t pet the bats.  If you have to verbalize these rules to anyone your group, maybe you should think twice about taking them along.

One summer I convinced two of my friends to come with me to West Virginia for a long weekend of caving and whitewater rafting.  After driving almost all night and sleep-rolling through only one red light, we arrived at Bowden cave, near the city of Elkins.  We had our lights, we had our helmets (really just replica plastic baseball helmets), and our note to put on the dashboard of my trusty 88 Honda Accord.  Into the cave we went.  This particular cave has miles of passageways.  I’m not really sure if it has ever been fully mapped.  I had been there several times before, but we had never gone more than a quarter mile in.  Together we explored the parts of the cave that I was familiar with.  We got wet and muddy, and were having a thoroughly good time.  A good enough time, that we decided to explore a side passage.  The passage was about three feet wide and five feet tall, with a stream running through it.  We barreled right in.

Here is where I pause to explain why goofy things happen to guys.  We are simple.  So, when we are having fun, we think, “What could make this more funner?”  Easy answer, “More of what we are having fun doing”, usually on a bigger scale.  The problem with this way of thinking is that more is not always better.

We were having fun, so exploring new territory should be what?,,,,,, that’s right, more funner.  We made it all the way to the end of the narrow passageway.  There the cave opened back up.  Quick calculation.  Were we still having fun?  YES. What would make it more funner?  Keep going!  We kept going.  Now, we had entered the cave with six flashlights.  Two of them were pretty much dead.  Twenty minutes later we were down to three.  Time to turn around.  We had to find the entrance to the narrow passage so we could get back to the mouth of the cave.  The problem with this was that one area of rocks and mud is pretty hard to differentiate from another area of rocks and mud.  There we were, three stooges wandering around, looking for the way back to daylight.  I don’t know how many of you have been in a cave and turned off your light, but total blackness is intimidating.  I was starting to get worried.  When we were down to two good lights, our guardian angels decided to stop toying with us.  We quite literally stumbled upon the opening.  About half a mile later the sun welcomed us back into an early fall afternoon.

Bowden cave has since had a been closed, due to cave in.  I’m not sure if it will be reopened, or maybe parts of it are open.  I don’t know.  I would like to get those guys back together though.  Maybe we could get further this time.  That would be more funner.

A list of some more people that can make your day unpleasant.

• The guy who insists you address him as Dr.  You know how it goes.  You say, “Hi Mr. Smith.” Then he interrupts you and says something like.  “I’m sorry, but it’s actually Dr. Smith.  I worked very hard for that title.”  Look, that’s fantastic, and I’m happy that you’re proud of yourself.  I worked hard to be able to buy my house, but I don’t make you address me as “Marc, owner of the gray house on Maple St.”
• People who park in the middle of nowhere in the parking lot, just so their car won’t get dinged.  They often are found in the company of the type of people who put traffic cones in their driveway entrance to ward off u-turners.  Give them the wide berth they are looking for – it’s better for everyone.
• People who don’t like the original Star Wars.
• Any scholar that says something like, “Well, you wouldn’t understand” or uses a term like “the masses.”  These are code words.  What they really mean is “My intellect is far superior to yours, you poor, poor simpleton.”  The best response to this is, “Oh, I understand perfectly.”  Then wink and walk away.
• People who like clowns.  Seriously.  They could be dangerous.
• People who don’t tip well.  Going out to dinner with bad tippers can be embarrassing or just plain expensive.  You either end up looking like a cheapskate, or you end up tossing in extra cash to make up the difference.  If for some reason, I end up going out with someone who I already know is a cheapskate, I have a plan.  As soon as the waiter comes with our food, I am going to lean over and spit right in his/hers.  Then I will turn to the waiter and say, “He’s a really bad tipper.  You were probably going to do that to our dessert later and I didn’t want you to get in trouble.  Also, I changed my mind, I think I will have the peach ice tea.”
• People who have no sense of humor about themselves.  Unless you enjoy teasing them and looking at the icy stare you get in return.  That can be fun for a while.  But seriously, if you do something embarrassing it is your civic duty to laugh first so that others can follow.

Everyone have a great Holiday weekend.

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LINKS

• My favorite author.
• Cool pictures of World War II Paris mixed with modern day Paris.
• Awesome submissions for the National Geographic Traveler photo contest.
• And last, but certainly not least.  This week, a sweet sixteen party in Pennsylvania got showered with poop from an airplane.

Here is my definitive list of the the five Best Keanu Reeves films.  Why, you ask.  Well, because I’m a little under the weather, and this is what I felt like doing.

Mr. Reeves has done a lot of films, so doing a top five is fun.  I would have done a Paul Hogan top five, but that have looked something like this.  1. Crocodile Dundee.  2. Crocodile Dundee part II.  3. Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles.  4. Subaru Outback commercial.  Etc. etc.  No disrespect to my hero Mick Dundee, but Keanu has a lot to choose from, and he was Johnny Utah, who was also a hero of mine.

5.  Speed.  You know that you love it too.  If it’s on tv some lazy Sunday afternoon, you’ll sit there and watch the entire thing while you eat Doritos and fall in and out of sleep.  Clean the cheese of your hands before you touch the couch.  Originally the roles of Jack and Annie were written for Jeff Bridges and Ellen Degeneres.  I can’t even picture that.  Joss Whedon (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Serenity, The Avengers)  rewrote the script, but was uncredited.

4.  The Matrix.  Just the first one, ok, not the last two, which got kind of convoluted.  That first one, though, that one is a classic. I think I saw it twice in the theater.  That’s a lot for me considering that I make it to the movies about five times a year.  Even less now that I have kids.  At the time The Matrix came out there was nothing else like it.  Will Smith was approached for the role of Neo, but turned it down to do Wild Wild West.  Things seem to have turned out okay for him though.  Keanu and some of the other actors went through four months of martial arts training before filming the fight scenes.

3.  A Walk In The Clouds.  I am a sucker for a good romance. There are a lot of things to appreciate about this movie.  It’s formulaic, but beautifully shot.  It also has the whole time period thing going for it.  They needed a third act for the movie, so one of the writers, who happened to own a vineyard, thought, what is the worst thing that could happen to my vineyard.  Fire.  His home and about a third of his vines burned shortly after the movie was released.

2.  Bill And Ted’s Excellent Adventure.  I am going to watch this with my kids this summer.  What better way to teach them about history, and the effects of messing with the space/time continuum.  Pauly Shore originally auditioned for the role of Ted.  My childhood thanks whoever made the decision not to cast him.  Keanu said in the past that he had nightmares that “He played Ted” would be the inscription on his tombstone.

1.  Point Break.  Let’s run down some of the things that make this movie great.  Patrick Swayze.  Bank robbing surfers who wear president masks.  That foot chase through backyards and houses in L.A.  Anthony Kiedis from the Red Hot Chili Peppers playing a punk surfer.  The fact that the villain is so likable.  Keanu played the the Johnny Utah role.  Matthew Broderick, Willem Defoe, and Val Kilmer were offered the role, and Johnny Depp auditioned.  Bullet dodged there.  I can’t picture Ferris Bueller surfing and sky diving.

Honorable Mention.  He also starred in the music video for Paula Abdul’s Rush Rush.  How bout that for range.

Summer is almost here.  Time to finalize your vacation plans.  You could book your family into an all-inclusive resort.  OR……….  You could hop a plane with a guide book, rent a car, and have an adventure.

FOUR REASONS TO WING IT ON VACATION

1. If you travel to an unfamiliar destination, you will probably get lost.  Sounds like a bad thing, but it can be a great thing.  Every time I have gotten lost on vacation, I have met someone cool, or found something that I would have never seen if I was riding in a bus full of sunburned tourists.
2. Self reliance.  It feels good to plan things out yourself.  Sometimes things even work out the way you want.  Other times not so much.  I like to wander.  Six months after our first son was born, we took a trip to Puerto Rico to see family.  I decided to take us to a somewhat remote beach that I was familiar with.  We drove out, had a nice day,,,,, and then I locked the keys in the car while it was running. I broke out my inner Macgyver and took a spoke from our beach umbrella to try to break into the car.  I know I said self reliance, but in reality we ended up relying on two park rangers and three cops who took turns trying to pop the lock while my father-in-law and wife took turns holding the baby and giving me dirty looks.  They got it eventually, but I’m sure that given enough time, I would have gotten it,,,,,,,,,or we would have run out of gas.
3. It gives you a chance to interact with people in their own environment.  Traveling to a tropical country to spend time on a resort makes little sense.  You might as well just go to Florida.  You probably wouldn’t know the difference.  It can be kind of intimidating to step out of your comfort zone.  Believe me, most of the time I’m as introverted as they come.  It’s a character flaw.  I saw something on the internet recently that said, “My first instinct when I see an animal is to say hello.  My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.”  I realized with both amusement and dismay that my brain operates just like that.  When I travel, I make an extra effort to be social.  It always makes the experience more worthwhile when you participate in your surroundings.  As an added plus, it reminds me that people in other places are much nicer than people from the northeastern US.
4. Guidebooks will take you to some unusual places.  Every travel guide book will help you get to the major attractions.  But, if it is a good one, it will help you get to some out of the way places.  Lonely Planet books are good for this.  Last year when we went to Puerto Rico, we took the book’s advice and tried to find a trail to the Bahia de Jobos marine estuary.  We ended up parked in a farmer’s field under a tree.  We picked up the trail there and didn’t see another person the whole morning.  But we saw bunches of lizards and birds, and we even found a hummingbird nest.  It was memorable.

LINKS

• Some cool video of a lightning storm in eastern India, as seen from the international space station.
• B.B. King died yesterday.  Here is his Rock n Roll Hall of Fame bio.
• The forty best quotes from the Simpsons, according to the UK Telegraph.
• Summer travel can be cheap, especially if you’re willing to rough it.  Budget Travel has listed their best places to go camping.

I’m going to a Pirates game with my dad this week. It should be a lot of fun. I have a lot of memories of watching sports with my dad. Not all of them are memories of actually attending the games, but the best ones are. That got me thinking of how much I’m looking forward to watching sports with my own kids. They really aren’t all that into it yet. My oldest is a little younger than I was when I fell in love with baseball. I would stay up nights, trying to tune into the Pirates games on my clock radio. I figure that it is my duty as a dad to properly induct the boys into sports fandom.

I started both of my kids young. We have pictures of them in the hospital, shortly after they were born, wrapped in Terrible Towels. If they grow up to be anything other than Steelers, Penguins, and Pirates fans, I think a paternity test may be in order. I was prepared when my oldest asked me why all his other friends were fans of our local teams. “Well, son. Unfortunately for them, they weren’t born into our family. Remember, you are American by birth, and a Steelers fan by the grace of God.” I am also ready for the whole second favorite team question, if that ever comes around. “Son.  Real sports fans don’t have second favorite teams. Let me explain it this way. If we are watching a movie, and the hero dies, do we then start rooting for one of the villains? No, we get a little bit sad, and then we wonder why we are watching a foreign film.”

Sports is a great thing for dads and kids to share. But it is more than that. When you enter the world of being a sports fan, you become part of something bigger. You enter a fraternity of sorts. A group of people from all walks of life and cultural backgrounds, who are emotionally invested in one common thing. It’s kind of remarkable. I want  my kids to be part of that. I want them to feel what it’s like to celebrate at a football playoff game in zero degree windchill. To jump up and down, and hug the guy next to you, even though you have no idea who he is and he smells like the whiskey that he snuck into the game. I was driving down the highway shortly after the Steelers won their fifth Superbowl, and the driver in the lane next to me started honking. I looked over, and there was a guy I had worked for a year previously. I hadn’t seen him in a while. We were both Steelers fans.  We rolled down our windows and proceeded to have a shouting conversation about the Superbowl while driving sixty miles an hour. I want my kids to be part of that. Well, maybe not exactly that. That was actually kind of dangerous. Two years ago when the Pirates made the playoffs for the first time since the early nineties, I got to go to one of the playoff games with my parents. They won. The place was electric. I want my kids to be part of that.

It doesn’t matter who your team is. (Unless you are Patriots fan) Sharing sports with your kids is special. It’s timeout from everyday stresses. It’s three hours of bonding and group therapy.

Voltaire said, “I have begun to be somewhat merry because I have been told that that is good for one’s health.”  While “being merry” is more or less a choice, it’s nice to have a little outside help.  Here are some little things that have made me smile.

1. Hearing and seeing the birds in my yard.
2. Pushing my cart around the supermarket while my five year old rides underneath (on the part where you put the jumbo packs of toilet paper).  I get a lot of, “he’s a horrible parent” looks.
3. One time I was at a small zoo where the squirrel monkeys were allowed to climb in the trees outside of their cage.  There was an annoying family there harassing the monkeys, and a monkey peed on one of their children.  Made my day.
4. Using Q-tips.  It’s very satisfying.
5. Swimming in a natural swimming hole.  Creek, lake, river.  Doesn’t matter.
6. Watching an unmanned shopping cart roll across the parking lot.  (Extra points if it hits a BMW)
7. Dr. Pepper.
8. When a really aggressive driver gets in the left lane to pass me and then gets stuck in traffic.  And I get to do the whole head-turn long stare while I roll on past.
9. Sitting down after everyone else has gone to bed.  That way I know that no one can ask me to get up for anything.  (Extra points if I don’t have to get back up to find the remote.)
10. When one of my children says something thoughtful and kind.  A lot of the time I think they’re just tiny vikings.
11. The New England Patriots getting caught cheating at anything.  Hearing that Tom Brady cheats at checkers would not surprise me, and would also make me happy.
12. One lady at our gym.  She’s probably in her sixties.  She slowly gets onto whatever machine that she is going to use, and then frantically pounds out like twenty reps.  It’s hilarious.
13. Post Honey Graham Oh’s.  They’re delicious.
14. Whenever the one magazine I subscribe to arrives in the mail.  Usually I’ve forgotten that I actually have a magazine subscription, so it’s like a gift to myself.
15. Realizing that I am one year younger than I thought I was.
16. Whenever the Pirates win.
17. Hearing my wife say something that makes absolutely no sense when she wakes up from a deep sleep.
18. Laying in a hammock.
19. Combining coupons with the Cartwheel app and the Red card at Target.  I am singlehandedly driving them out of business.
20. Reading a book that has a great twist that I didn’t see coming.
21. Picking my kids up from school.  (Unless they got in trouble.)
22. Free food.  Even if it’s just a sample at the supermarket.  Still a win.
23. Tripping and falling, then looking around and realizing that no one saw me.

LINKS

• I don’t watch a whole lot of soccer, unless it’s the US national team, USA, USA.  Even I know this goal is pretty awesome.
• Today is the 7oth anniversary of VE day.  Here’s a cool write up from USA Today.
• Forgot to add other people falling to the list of things that makes me happy.  This is Shaq falling on TV during a halftime report.  You know it was a good fall because he lost a shoe.
• I mentioned swimming holes.  Here is a website with a countrywide list of places to cool off.  Some are even clothing optional.  Wink wink.

You know those guys that hold the signs or flags at construction sites?  The ones that tell you when it is safe to proceed on past them.  Well, I’ve always thought that job would be one of the most boring jobs you could have.  Some people say that when you’re in a coma, you are actually aware of everything that is going on around you, but you can’t participate in anything.  That’s what I think being a flag man is like.  Unless.

I had just picked up two friends that I was working with in college, and we were headed to our job.  On the way to the job, we had to drive through a neighborhood that was a little rough around the edges.  I was driving my parent’s Oldsmobile station wagon because my car was in the shop.  As we rolled along down the road I was chatting away with my buddy.  I guess the conversation was interesting, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to the road like I should have been.  When I looked forward,,,,,, there was a flag man.  If this guy’s day had been boring, it wasn’t now.  He was jumping up and down and waving that flag like crazy.  I’ve never seen someone from a road construction crew move that fast.  I realized that probably meant he wanted me to stop, so I slammed on the brakes and my tank of a car lurched to a halt.  Whew.  The flag guy settled down and regained some of his composure.  Eventually it was our turn to go and he waved me on.  Crisis averted.  Except that one of the cars behind me had a light bar on top, and he had seen the whole thing.  When I got through the construction zone, those lights came on.

I dislike being pulled over by the police.  I really don’t need that kind of stress in my life.  The officer approached my window and asked me some questions.

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“I believe I almost ran over the guy with the flag.”

“License and registration please.  If I search this car, will I find any drugs or weapons?”

Me nervously laughing, “No.”

Like I said, the area was not great.  This was about the time that backup arrived.  Yep, backup.  I’ve seen myself in the mirror plenty of times.  I never thought, “wow that’s a dangerous looking dude.”  I usually think things like,  “Yeah you can get away with not shaving for another day.”   Or, “I wonder if this t-shirt is dressy enough for going to dinner?”  Apparently, this officer saw me and my friends and thought.  “Oh, I’m gonna need some help to keep these guys under control.”  We were all asked to exit the vehicle.  We were all patted down.  Then we were all asked to sit on the curb while the other officer searched my car.  Aside from being embarrassed, I didn’t mind my time on the curb all that much.  The weather was nice and it was a relatively comfortable seat.  Eventually they let me go with a warning.  I really appreciated that.

I learned one thing from all this.  I must have the look of a criminal.  So, I’ve had to take that into account since then.  Now when I look in the mirror in the morning I think things like, “Do these cargo shorts make me look more or less dangerous?”  Or,  “Will this sweater help to soften my image?”