LONGWALKABOUT

I like the news.  If you look at it from the right perspective, it’s all comedy.  My wife has no time to keep up with the news, so I have become her news aggregator.  I collect all the important headlines of the day and summarize them for her.  Sample: “Hi honey. Here’s what you missed today.  One of the presidential candidates started barking like a dog at a campaign rally, and three more Hoverboards caught fire.  How was your day?”  I am prepared to do the same for everyone else.  Here are my favorite headlines from the past week.

• Government of Jamaica Fights Zika With Dancehall Reggae Anthem.  I don’t want anyone to think that I am mocking this.  In fact, I think that we would all be better off if all public service announcements were made in the form of dancehall anthems.  (Don’t drink and drive- needs a dancehall anthem.  Don’t text and drive- needs a dancehall anthem.  Stop smoking- needs a dancehall anthem.)  Or, in the case of Scandinavia, death metal anthems.
• Furious George:  Monkey in Brazil Drinks Rum and Chases Bar Patrons With Knife.  Between the Zika and the drunken knife wielding monkeys, it seems like a great place to hold the Olympics.  What could go wrong?  Maybe the government of Brazil could make a Zika public service announcement with the armed monkey performing a dancehall anthem.  You’d never forget to put on your mosquito repellent.
• Did Aliens Leave Behind This 2,800 Year Old Nokia?   I refuse to believe that a long time ago in a galaxy far far away anyone was using a Nokia.  It would totally ruin my picture of aliens.  When E.T. phoned home, he didn’t build a Nokia.  If this does happen to be an alien phone though, I would like to know who their cell provider is.  Because right now, I’m having trouble with dropped calls in my own kitchen.  On a side note.  Do you think Apple will help the government crack the security on the alien phone?
• Robotic Limb Turns Drummer Into Three-Armed Musical Cyborg.  This is all well and good until the robotic arm attacks him with a drumstick.  I swear that real life resembles the plot from Terminator more every single day.  Don’t say that James Cameron and I didn’t warn you.  Before he went all Avatar crazy, he was a brilliant filmmaker.
• Teenage Boy ‘Poses as Doctor’ In Hospital Gynecology Department For A Month.  This will be the last entry for today because, as headlines go, I’m not going to be able to top it.  A whole month.

My wife and I don’t really celebrate Valentine’s day.  Why?  Because we refuse to be owned by Big Greeting Card and Big Candy.  Also, we are so romantic during the rest of the year, that by the time this day rolls around, we are exhausted.  However, I would just like to say that we are not above buying the candy when it is marked down 50% tomorrow.  Without further ado, longwalkabout presents:

AN ABRIDGED AND SLIGHTLY INACCURATE HISTORY OF VALENTINE’S DAY

Valentine’s Day is named after Saint Valentine of the early Christian church.  There were actually multiple Saint Valentines.  Two of them came to be honored on the 14th of February.  Valentine of Rome and Valentine of Terni.  Although they lived two hundred years apart, they had a few things in common.  The Roman’s whacked both of them.  This made them both martyrs.  Seeing the obvious tourist value of martyr body parts, the early church saved what they could.  Valentine of Rome’s skull is on display in Rome.  If you’d like to take a romantic trip to Terni, you can view the entire remains of Valentine of Terni.  Keeping score?  That would be Romans 2 – Valentines 0.

Valentine’s Day didn’t become associated with romance until the late 1300’s.  Whose fault was it?  By all accounts, it was the poet Chaucer, who wrote this fantastic ditty.

“For this was on seynt Volantynys day
Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese his make.”

This poem was written to celebrate King Richard the 2nd and Queen Anne’s first anniversary.  It also appears to have been written when Chaucer was on a bender.   Who do you think noticed this “love poem” and ran with it?  That’s right, the French, who basically own love.  Their national motto is “Get Busy Lovin’ Or Get Some Cheese.  On Second Thought, You Can Do Both At The Same Time.  Now Have Some Cake.”  I know.  I thought their motto would be more poetic too.  Maybe something gets lost in translation.

Fast forward to the late 1700’s.  The printing press is now in use.  This is the beginning of what I like to call the “Greeting Card Industrial Complex”, which as far as I can tell, has always been run by a James Bond villain.  The printed valentines and the post office make it possible for people to send cards to each other anonymously, thus giving rise to the naughty Valentines card industry as well.  By 1835, the number of Valentine cards mailed yearly in the U.K. reaches 60,000.

Today in the U.K. 1.3 BILLION pounds are spent every year on greeting cards and other assorted Valentine’s day stuff.  The US Greeting Card Association, otherwise known as “The Shoebox Mafia”, reports that if you include all of the cards that our kids are extorted into making or buying for their classes at school, 1 billion Valentine’s Day cards are exchanged each year in America.  In 2013, people spent an average of $131 on Valentine’s gifts.  This is why Hallmark employees exchange “poor hopeless sucker” cards every year on February 15th.

As Paul Harvey used to say.  “Now you know some partially accurate information about the rest of the story.”

Happy Valentine’s Day!

My youngest son can be a fiery little guy.   It’s part of his personality, and for the most part we just roll with it.  I compare him to college kids who go around protesting things.  They’re both mad about something, but they don’t really know what it is.  I remember sending him up to his room when he was three or four. He sat at the top of the steps and yelled down, “I hate your life.”  I guess he was semi-satisfied with his own life, but my life was making him particularly angry at that moment.  To be fair.  As he’s gotten older, he has learned to control his feelings more.  Kind of like Luke Skywalker did when he became a Jedi.

When he was two, we went on a family vacation to Puerto Rico.  I’m just going to say that he was less than thrilled with the temperature during our visit.  To me it felt great.  I have often told my wife that I don’t totally thaw out from winter until sometime in early July.  My guy spent the entire vacation making a face that was designed to let us know that he was hot.  This has affectionately become known as “hot face.”  It is in every picture we took while on that trip.

We spent the last two days of this trip on the small island of Culebra.  It was sunny and beautiful and there were plenty of opportunities for my youngest to make “hot face.”  On the morning of our last day we returned our rental car and, while we waited for the ferry back to the main island, took a walk around Dewey (the main town on the island).   We ducked in and out of some shops and bought some chachkies that I’m sure were a complete waste of money.  Nothing better to remind you of a fantastic Puerto Rican vacation than a plastic sea turtle made in Vietnam.  Having seen enough of the shops, we started walking toward the southern side of the small town.  At this point our little guy decided that it was time to let us know that he was unhappy.  Now, I can’t remember what set him off.  The heat?  Maybe.  Being carried?  Possibly.  Having to wear a hat?  Again, possibly.  Or maybe he just remembered that he hated my life and he wanted to express that.  At the peak of his rampage, my wife was carrying him and we were walking on a little bridge that crossed a small waterway.  In a fit of protest, my dude ripped the sunhat off of his head and hurled it into the water.  NOOOOOOoooooo.  We loved that hat.  His brother had worn it when he was little.  It had survived many adventures.  One of the selling features of this particular hat was that it floated.  If you were wearing it on the water and you dropped it, you didn’t have to worry about it sinking.  We all stood there on the bridge, and watched as the hat proudly floated past thick mangroves toward the ferry dock and the open sea.  Even my youngest took a break from his tantrum to admire the seaworthiness of his headgear.  Twenty minutes later, we boarded the ferry, minus one hat.

When I think of this, I like to imagine that the hat is still floating through the Caribbean, having adventures.  Then, one day, when my son is older, and on a vacation with his family.  His youngest son will be throwing a fit on a beach somewhere in Barbados, and that hat will wash up next to him………  And he’ll pick it up and angrily throw it back into the sea.

 

The Superbowl is over.  I missed most of the third quarter because my wife wanted to watch Downton Abbey.  I know, you’re like, “Wait, couldn’t you just watch it on another tv?”  No. No I couldn’t.  We only have one tv in our house because we are better people than you.  I’m kidding, we’re just cheap.  Anyway, when I tuned back in to the game, I realized that Downton Abbey had been way more exciting.  On another subject, I think the Coldplay halftime show would have been better suited for the synchronized swimming world championships.  If you saw it, you know what I mean.

Last night I started feeling a little under the weather.  When I woke up this morning, I crawled out of bed and climbed right back into bed.  I spent most of the morning feeling achey and binge watching Fear The Walking Dead.  I never get to watch those shows when my wife is around.  If I am in the middle of an episode and she walks into the room, she immediately starts to make faces like she just swallowed a bug.  At this point, I know that if I don’t switch to another show, she will tell me everything she doesn’t like about my choice of entertainment.  It’s a long list, and I don’t have that kind of time.

Back to this morning.  I enjoy the zombie shows, but it bums me out that most of the people left alive are really not people you’d want to hang out with.  Never in these shows does anyone with a sense of humor survive.  They’re all super serious.  It might be just me, but the zombie apocalypse seems like it has a lot of unmined comedic material. If I was present for the zombification of the world, I’d probably prefer to be a hermit.  I wouldn’t want to hang out with all those buzzkills.  I’d just fortify the library and live there by myself.  All the scary books would have to go though.

Thinking about being a hermit reminded me of an actual hermit.  When I was in college, my future wife and I went to Vermont to be in our friend’s wedding.  They lived out in the mountains.  It was snowy and beautiful and cold.  One day before the wedding, our group of friends were throwing snowballs at each other.  We were on a mountain road, near a clearing that had a bunch of abandoned vehicles in it.  I made some snowballs and looked around to find a target.  I saw someone disappearing behind one of the cars and launched a volley of well aimed snowballs in that direction.  Then I turned and saw everyone from our group.  “Who was I just throwing snowballs at?”  I asked.  One of the local guys proceeded to inform me that a hermit lived in one of the abandoned buses.  He didn’t like people much.  This I understood.  “Especially women.”  This I could not grasp at all.  I guess there won’t be any baby hermits running around.  So, the only actual hermit that I’ve ever come close to meeting, I possibly hit with a barrage of snowballs, which in his mind probably affirmed his choice of lifestyle.  He didn’t come out to have a conversation with us or tell us that we shouldn’t be throwing stuff at him because,,,,,, you know,,,,,,,,, he was a hermit.

Because this was a really round about way to get to that story, I feel like I need to summarize.

• Superbowl – boring
• Me – sick
• Zombie shows – humorless
• Hermits – Would consider being one, and also threw snowballs at one

LINKS

• A town in New York has been overcome with a cat urine odor.  This seems like an X-Files case to me.
• Meanwhile in Alabama.  A guy in a clown suit was arrested for DUI.  My favorite quote from the story- he “gave no explanation for his odd attire.”
• Chipotle wants you back.  They’re offering free burritos.
• Would anyone like to adopt a giant rabbit?

The other day I was sitting on the couch with my wife watching the A-Team.  How many of you can use that sentence?  If you can’t, I submit that you aren’t very cultured.  Anyway,,,,,,  It was the end of the episode, and there was a huge gun battle going down.  I looked at my wife and said, “No one will be killed, and two bad guys are going to hop in that car, try to get away, flip the car, and then crawl out the windows to show that they’re alright.”  She said, “Have you seen this episode before?”  I told her, “No.  Every episode ends like that.”

Watching the A-Team that day got me thinking about other action/adventure shows I watched as a kid.  Here is my definitive top five.

5.  Knight Rider-  The show ran from 1982-1986 on NBC.   I can’t believe that David Hasslehoff had two hit television shows.  The real star of Knight Rider was the car.  Kitt was awesome.  Who can forget the K.I.T.T. vs. evil K.A.R.R. episodes?  Truly gripping stuff.

This may be a little off subject, but my wife and I were watching Baywatch the other day.  Again, we are very cultured.  She pointed out that David Hasslehoff has chicken legs.  It’s true.  I can’t believe the producers of that show didn’t say, “Hey Dave, I know you’re a big music star in Germany and you’re a proven tv star, but you need to hit the gym and work on those twigs or you’ll be wearing pants on the beach.”

4.  The A-Team-  Between 1983 and 1987 on NBC, the guys from the A-Team fired roughly a gazillion bullets.  Not one of those bullets resulted in a death to any bad guy.  In fact, there was only one on screen death during the entire run of the show.  If you take that into account, then you have to question whether they really were a “crack commando unit.”

3.  Quantum Leap-  This one was barely eligible because it started it’s five year run in 1989 on NBC.  Where the A-Team was just about the same every week, Quantum Leap’s premise allowed for interesting plots in varied times and places.  Scott Bakula leaping into the body of Bobo the monkey is a great example of this.  I propose a mash-up of the A-Team and Quantum Leap.  A “crack commando unit” leaping through time.  Sold.

2.  Magnum, P.I.-  It ran from 1980-1988 on CBS.  I would love to move to Hawaii, become a private investigator, drive someone else’s car, and live in someone else’s house.  Sounds ideal.  Fun Fact:  At some time during the run of the show, Magnum is punched by every one of his friends.  He never punches them, though.  He was too busy being awesome.

1.  MacGyver-  You know him by one name.  Just like Madonna, Prince, and Sting (the wrestler and the musician).  But he had more useful skills than all of those people combined.  And he was way less pretentious.  On ABC from 1985-1992, he used household items and questionable science to defeat many many bad guys.  MacGyver was not a government employee.   Instead he worked for the “Phoenix Foundation”.  Proving once again that our best and brightest gravitate towards the private sector.

Honorable Mention:  The Dukes Of Hazzard,  Miami Vice

This is my 100th blog post.  It isn’t more special than any of the others.  They’re all special.  Some are special in a “that’s actually pretty good” way.  Some are special in a “well isn’t that special” kind of way.  I recommend reading the whole thing from the beginning.  Just a warning.  We are nearing an estimated 50,000 individual words now, a lot of which are four letters long or longer.  So, before you sit down to this massive undertaking, you might want to get a snack and a cup of coffee.

I don’t always remember my dreams.  But last night I had a great one.  By great, I mean confusing, entertaining, and slightly disturbing.

I’m on my way to my in-laws house.  For some reason, my wife and kids are already there.  When I arrive, I perform a dangerous driving maneuver cutting at least one person off while turning into the neighborhood.  My mother-in-law sees this and lets me know that it was a bad thing to do.  I feel that I must explain why I cut off one of her neighbors.  For some reason, I decide that I could best explain this to her on a car ride.  So, we take a car ride, and I defend my driving maneuver with excuses that even sound bad to me.  While on this ride, I notice a house by the side of the road that is in a giant shopping basket.  Of course, there are cutouts in the basket where the doors are so that you can get in and out of the house easily.  Hmmm.

We’re back at the in-laws house.  The weather looks bad.  I turn around and see a tornado moving quickly downwind.  I need to warn my wife and kids.  Luckily, they are already in a storm shelter in the middle of a field.  It’s a pretty big underground shelter and I’m relieved to see that there are two entrances.  No one wants to get stuck in a storm shelter that doesn’t have a back door.  Outside there are at least five tornadoes visible from the field.  I go to shut and lock the door, but another guy forces his way in.  He’s armed.  I don’t trust this guy.  I should be armed too.  I look at my hand and realize that I am armed.  A revolver.  I should probably check if it’s loaded.  It’s loaded.  But it’s loaded with five different caliber bullets.  Including a shotgun shell.  Even in my dream, I realize that this is probably not going to work.  I need another gun.  Luckily, this is a dream, so I immediately find another gun.  Now there are more people in the shelter and I’m not sure where they all came from.  I decide that we need food, so we look around and find some.  Somebody mentions Rice Krispy treats, which makes me very happy because they are awesome.  Then I find a container that has peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in it.  This is really disappointing, because I can’t stand peanut butter and jelly, and one of the sandwiches is moldy.  Whoever built this place didn’t put much thought into their food supplies.  At least there is water.  And then I wake up.  I have to say that upon waking, I am relieved to realize that I hadn’t cut anyone off while driving.  It really was a dangerous maneuver.

My personal interpretation of all of this?  I think we should make Rice Krispy treats today.

LINKS

• The crew at the Superbowl accidentally painted the Broncos logo on both ends of the field.  You Had ONE Job.
• Chris Pratt posted some pretty great motivation on his instagram page.  He’s a good dude.
• Some guy out west hid 2 million dollars in gold and made a big treasure hunt game out of it.  Now someone has disappeared while searching for it.
• “Body of woman, 2 live monkeys found in Florida hotel room”  I have nothing to add to this.

 

One day my oldest son told us that he really enjoyed being home.  “Because it’s my natural habitat.”  I love that kid.  He’s an old soul.  It was a funny comment, but it was a little more than that to me.

When was the last time you were at the zoo?  The zoo is a weird experience.  On the one hand, it is really cool to see all of those animals.  Rhinos, elephants, giraffes, lions.  On the other hand, is it just me, or do those animals look depressed?  I swear that the last time I was at the zoo, the elephant was muttering under his breath that he would give anything to be chased by a pride of lions.  Likewise, when I visited the lion enclosure, if you listened closely, you could hear him talking to himself about eating the toddler who wouldn’t stop banging on the glass.  Those animals really don’t belong there and I feel kind of bad for them.  Of course, there are exceptions.  When I visit the monkey house, I get the distinct impression that they think we are the ones in the zoo.  And the reptile house?  Well, there’s a reason that Lucifer took the form of a snake.

People have natural habitats too.  We all have places where we feel comfortable. Kanye West’s natural habitat is obviously the stage at an awards show.  No matter who is getting the award.  Jeb Bush’s natural habitat is 8th place in the Republican primary.  Eskimos belong in cold weather.  George Clooney’s natural habitat is in movies that tank at the box office. If you like to travel, I’m sure that there has been a time that you have visited a certain location and it just felt like home.  It’s hard to explain why.  I would like to suggest that when you get that feeling, it is because you have just encountered your natural habitat.  That happened to me, and I have been trying to get back there for some time now.  A lot of people are lucky enough to live in their natural habitats.  The rest of us are like this sloth.

The poor little guy had wandered onto the highway.  When he realized that he was in over his head he said, “Oh crap, I’m gonna find the thing that looks most like a tree trunk and hold on for dear life.”  I saw these pictures over the weekend and I was immediately struck by the similarities between us.  First of all, we are both adorable.  Second, at times, we both feel out of our natural habitat.  When those times arise, we both grab on to something that makes us feel better.  He grabs on to a guard rail and hangs on for all he’s worth.  I put on my flip flops and get in my hammock.  Luckily for the sloth, the police were there to help him back to safety.  Luckily for me, I have three people and a dog, and in the end, my natural habitat is wherever they are.  (Great, now the dog is going to get a big head because I included him in the pack.)

Longwalkabout will now be returning to it’s pre-holiday schedule of posting on Thursdays and Sundays.

New things coming this spring.

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I have survived the great blizzard of 2016.  The official stats say that there are 25.5 inches of snow in my backyard.  I have cleaned off the driveway (3 times), the deck (3 times), and some of the roof.  Time for random blizzard thoughts.

• On Friday Islands Magazine shared an article about the best snorkeling spots on the island of St. John.  This mockery was obviously aimed at me.  In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if I was the only one who they shared the article with.  They said, “Hey everyone, blizzard coming, let’s remind Marc where he lives and that it’s not warm there.  (evil laugh)  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.” To top it off, the snorkeling spots they listed were not the best.  St. John is my favorite place on earth.  I know the good spots.  Double mockery.  Well played Islands Magazine.  Well played.
• My dog loves the snow.  I wonder if he would be a good sled dog.  Maybe I could send him to sled dog academy.  That would be the dog equivalent of military school.  If he keeps staring at me while I eat, I just might do it.
• We told the kids that there would be no school on Monday.  My oldest responded.  “Yes,,,,,,. I’m going to go get a victory cookie.”  I had no idea that victory cookies were a thing.  I love it when I learn something new and useful.  Finished the laundry,,,,, time for a victory cookie.  Put the kids to bed,,,,,,,  time for a victory cookie.  Shoveled the driveway,,,,,,,, that’ll be three victory cookies.  Victory cookies.  Who knew?
• I didn’t win the Powerball lottery last week.  But on the off chance that I had won, I made plans.  It’s good to have plans.   First, I would have given money to every person who takes time to read this blog.  (tell your friends)  Then, I would have hired a top notch director and movie making crew so I could remake Romancing The Stone, starring my wife and I.  Third, I would have followed So You Think You Can Dance? to every audition city and tried to impress them with my dance style, which is best described as Axl Rose with Latin flair.
• The whole family was home for the blizzard.  I love it when my wife is home.  She’s good company.  I like to do nice things for her when she’s around.  I make her breakfast.  I cover her when she falls asleep on the couch.  I run a bath and light a candle,,,,,,,, and then I get in and relax while she watches the kids.
• I’m glad that the Broncos won the AFC championship, because I could not bear watching Tom Brady host Saturday Night Live again.
• At the end of the storm, I did the most sensible thing I could have done.  I booked a trip to Florida.

LINKS

• Abandoned tunnels in Washington D.C. are about to get reopened and turned into,,,, an art gallery?
• If you haven’t seen the panda playing in the snow yet, here it is.
• A list of films that have a perfect 0% on Rotten Tomatoes.
• In the category of “Terrifying News”, a scientist claims to have transplanted a monkey head.

Time for a victory cookie.

Every holiday season, Philadelphia moves the homeless people out of Love Park and sets up a German Christmas Village.  From right after Thanksgiving to right after Christmas you can go spend exorbitant amounts of money for things, but feel good about it because of the charming atmosphere and giant Christmas tree.  We made a trip down there with the family this year.  It was not our first trip.  I remember our first trip very well.  All because of my youngest son.

He was three.  When I describe his personality to people I will usually say things like, “He’s,,,,,,, how do I say this?  He’s very passionate about things.”  You never know what he is going to be passionate about.  It could be lunch, or not taking a bath, or which toothbrush he believes is his.  On this day it was pretzels.  You might think, “How can you be passionate about pretzels?”  Hey, I’m with you on that.  Pretzels are nobody’s first choice when it comes to food.  You usually end up eating them by accident, or last resort.  “Man am I hungry.  What do they have to snack on?  Pretzels.  Ok,,,,, I guess.”  Or.  “What should I get at this snack bar?  A sandwich for 10 bucks or this soft pretzel for 1.50?  Well, I’m poor, so I’ll just drown the pretzel in a pint of this yellow mustard.”  At the Christmas village, they offered all types of expensive food,,,,,,, and giant Bavarian pretzels.  Yes, somehow we ended up with the giant pretzel, an admitted food failure on my part.  It was so big that it came in a medium size pizza box.  We showed the boys and told them that we were all going to split it.  This was unacceptable to my three year old.  He told us that he wanted his own.  We told him no.  And so commenced one of the great tantrums OF ALL TIME.  He ramped up to all out rage in no time at all.  The indignity of having to share a pretzel was something that he could not endure.  There we were behind some of the Christmas village shoppes.  Three year old alternately lying on the sidewalk (face-down) screaming, or being held by one embarrassed parent or the other, at which point he screamed louder.  Six year old eating the pretzel and watching the scene, obviously entertained.  Strangers walking by and trying to decide weather to ignore us or to call social services, because from all appearances, we had done something horrible to this child.  This went on for twenty, solid, agonizing minutes.  (My wife says it was more like forty five.  I say it felt like two hours.)  Then, just like that, he decided that his protest had been of appropriate legnth, and he calmly ate his part of our giant snack.

This year when we returned to this small slice of faux Bavaria in Center City, I took my now six year old to the very spot on the sidewalk where he had performed his passionate protest and explained what he had done there.  He thought it was hilarious.  Someday that passion will prove valuable to him.  I only hope that we can channel it into something worthwhile.  Like, I don’t know, building his own giant soft pretzel empire, so that he will never have to share one again.

LINKS

• Scientists are developing artificial intelligence.  Have they never watched movies,,,,, at all,,,,,, is it just me?
• There is a travel advisory out for the Caribbean.  Apparently mosquitos are now carrying something called the Zika virus.  All this means to me is that the beaches will be less crowded.
• This Star Wars Undercover Boss skit from SNL is funny.  Unless you’re one of those strange people who’ve not seen Star Wars.  If you’re one of those people, please get some therapy, and maybe a blu-ray player, and stop watching documentaries.   Live a little.
• A 71 year old Siberian woman who has lived as a hermit her whole life recently had to be airlifted to the hospital.  While at the hospital she binge watched every season of the Bachelor.  Or maybe not.

Has anyone ever said something like this to you?  “You know, English is a very difficult language.”

We’ve all heard that.  My usual response is, “Dude, you were born here.  We went to grade school together.  Seriously?  You spend one semester abroad and now you’re struggling?”

To be fair, we do like to increase the difficulty level more than other languages do.  One of the ways that we do this is with figures of speech.  I’ll leave grammar instruction to the experts, but I thought that I would put together a guide that would help explain the origin and meaning of some commonly used figures of speech.  I’m here to help.

• Hold Your Horses–  This saying can be traced back to the old west and specifically a cowboy named Jerry.  Jerry owned two horses that were extremely emotionally needy.  He was always leaving card games at the local saloon early to go tend to his animals.  After a while Jerry’s buddies grew tired of this.  Whenever Jerry bailed early, his friends said, “Whatever man, do what you have to do, go hold your horses.”  Now you know.  The next time you are at a party and that guy who is always the first to leave goes to get his coat, just smirk and say, “Go hold your horses man.”
• Don’t Count Your Chickens Before They Hatch–  We have plenty of figures of speech about chickens for some reason.  This one comes from the days when most everyone owned chickens.  If you lived in a neighborhood, it was good advice to not count your eggs early.  You didn’t do this because some were likely to get stolen.  It was a way of avoiding aggravation.  If on Monday you had 13 eggs, and on Wednesday you ended up with 11 chickens, it was better not knowing that your neighbor stole 2 eggs.  If you realized that he was stealing eggs, then you were likely to engage in another American tradition.  The Feud.  Your respective families would war until they lost track of why, and then there would be some kind of unapproved tragic love affair between your descendants.  All of this was avoided by the willful ignorance of not counting chickens.  In modern times the phrase is used this way.  Neighbor: “I’m expecting four packages today, can you keep and eye out for them?”  You: “Tony, don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”
• Go The Extra Mile–  This phrase comes from the time when automobiles were becoming very popular.  People were driving everywhere, venturing further and further away from their homes.  Since people were now venturing into unfamiliar territory, they were always getting lost.  Husbands were driving and wives were in the passenger seat going, “Frank.  Frank.  Frank.  Are you listening to me?  You don’t know where we are, do you?  I told you we should have stopped to ask directions, but nooooo, you wanted to go the extra mile.”
• A Fox In The Henhouse–  Another chicken metaphor.  The exact place of origin for this one is unknown.  The meaning, however, is fairly obvious.  It refers to a lady that you find particularly attractive that lives in a house with a number of other ladies that you you don’t find all that attractive.  Example:  “Hey dude, have you met Julie and her sisters.  She’s the fox in that henhouse, huh.”

LINKS

• On this day in 1985 Sir Clive Sinclair debuted the Sinclair C5.  It was a personal, electric vehicle.  Here’s the commercial.
• Some shipwrecks from the the Great Whaling Disaster of 1871 were just found off of the coast of Alaska.
• The drug lord, El Chapo, was just recaptured, but not before he was interviewed by everyones favorite nutty actor, Sean Penn.
• Panasonic has just introduced a TV that has a “transparent” mode.